Today is my 33rd birthday! Yay!
I slept 14 hours last night – a new record. I’m feeling *really* good today. Last night’s meditation was not at all about “work” but only about healing and adjusting to the new realities. That’s the best way I can put it.
Kurt gave me two birthday presents. The first happened a few days ago when suddenly, I was able to listen to punk rock. I’ve mentioned before that I can’t (couldn’t) tolerate complex sounds, and if I was forced to listen to them (pep rallies, annoying roommates, enforced church attendance/weddings) I was likely to experience a panic attack or to break down in tears. So, I simply avoided complex sounds as much as I could, and Sweetie listened to her beloved punk bands when I was out of the house.
When I first started talking to Kurt, he understood immediately and didn’t take offence that I couldn’t listen to his music, and instead directed me to his unplugged album. But there are some songs that just can’t be done acoustically.
You just can’t go through your life without punk rock, (Kurt, smiling) Happy birthday.
He showed me how he’s been working on fixing what was causing me to feel overwhelmed and explained it as my “psychic ears” being slightly out of synch with my physical ears. Complex sounds like organ music (which is why they use organs in church) resonates up to much higher vibrations than other instruments. Heaven can hear music at this vibration, he says. But so can I.
When the sound gets complex, my psychic ears say “What?” and when you ask something psychically to repeat it will, automatically. But the repeat doesn’t make sense, and on top of the repeat is the next bar of complex music. My ears say “What??” again, and this overlay is repeated, and another overlay is added. In this way, the sound my psychic ears hear gets exponentially complex in a few seconds and completely overwhelming.
No wonder I’d break down in tears.
So all Kurt’s helped me with is correcting that “out of synch” ness, so my psychic ears and my physical ears hear things at the same time. Suddenly, I can hear four separate instruments and the vocals, instead of one jumble of noise.
I listened to Nirvana for 8 straight hours.
I flashed on my semi-goth days as a teen. I knew I was missing out on something.
This morning, I had one of Kurt’s songs in my head, and then I realized I haven’t actually heard it before. It’s my second birthday present. I almost see it as a music video in my head, so I’ll do my best to describe in words what I hear and see.Grunge Girl (drawn out over several notes like, Gruuuunge Giiiiirrrrrrrllllll) Grunge Girl! Ripped fishnets and cigarettes (flash on fishnet-clad leg, layered over bright pink tights, cigarette in hand with large heavy rings) Shaves her legs, doesn’t wash her hair! (Funny because hippie girls would wash their hair and not shave their legs) Says she doesn’t care. Grunge Girl Tattooed spine and face piercin’s (Flash on her naked spine, tattoo flames crawling up her back, flash to heavily-lined eye, crinkled like she’s smiling, brow piercing shown) She says it doesn’t hurt! Ahhh, Grunge Girl! (Flash on girl from behind, as she walks into a concert hall, surrounded by screaming kids in grunge garb) Grunge Girl Black combat boots and nail polish (Girl’s small hands with black nail polish shown lacing up huge black leather boots) Says she’s a warrior! (Flash on girl in a mosh pit, with a bright burgundy streak in her hair, elbowing a groper guy in the solar plexus, stomping on his instep with her big boots, Kurt on stage, delighted smile) Ahhh! Says she’s a warrior! Ahhh! She says she doesn’t care! Grunge Girl, I know better. Grunge Girl Gunge Girl! Ahhhhhh, Grunge Girls. You know better. Grunge Girl! Grunge Girl!