I didn’t know Sid had been accused of killing Nancy.
He didn’t do it. This is what he tells me:
Sid: Nancy. Her last day was terrible. Fuck, her last month was torture.
The dealer, right. He had been stretching out the time between deliveries, and it was killing Nancy. (Showing her crying, shaking, sweating, vomiting.) Just to keep us desperate, he wanted us fucking helpless. It was part of his (masturbation, power game) to do this to us, he loved to see Nancy sick on the bed. It was a violation.
The day before (she died) Nancy panicked – she was absolutely convinced she was pregnant. It was barely possible, since we hardly (had sex) anymore, except for comfort. It was unbelievable that two bodies such as ours could conceive. Nancy couldn’t handle the idea and started crying and screaming that it was time for us to end it.
We had a suicide pact from England, when we first got together. We agreed we’d run towards death, holding hands. We never believed, conceived it could be as terrible as it turned out to be for us. Addiction gives you hope, new life, then ends up being the worst way to kill yourself. We agreed we’d kill ourselves together to ensure we’d die at the exact same moment, so we would never have to be apart. (Gives me feelings of safety and comfort.)
But when Nancy thought she was pregnant, she lost it. She suddenly hated herself, and that’s why she wanted to die. I couldn’t let her go, and I was honestly too frightened to do it right then. (When Nancy panicked, Sid always got grounded somehow. In this state, he was practical and conscious, and could not be suicidal.)
I believed it was just the withdrawl, that if Nancy could just have her fix, she’d calm down and we could discuss this idea of her pregnancy and we wouldn’t have to kill ourselves. (I asked Was Nancy pregnant? Sid showed me multiplying cells in her uterus.) Her body was going through the motions of being pregnant, but no one was waiting to incarnate. The pregnancy was never viable. But she didn’t know that, she only knew the feeling of her body being pregnant.
She had an abortion before, and a terrible experience with the doctor. (Oh shit, I’m so sorry Nancy. Predator posing as an abortionist. Oh Nancy.)
The way her body was feeling, she had a breakdown. I just wanted it to be withdrawal. I thought if the dealer would just come with our fucking (drugs) I could get her back, make her right again.
But the dealer didn’t come that day, and the next morning Nancy was distraught.
I left. (He went out to try to score on the street. He was prepared to kill to find heroin for Nancy.)
When I came back, (shows me Nancy. Shows me his grief and the way his own mind broke.)
Sid showed the rest of it to me as a silent movie. He went over to her, it’s silent to me but you can see he’s screaming. He didn’t hear the noise he was making. He was shaking her, he handled the knife, it’s like he’s watching himself from a corner in the room, watching his body freak out and his soul or consciousness left his actual body and just watched.
I died that day. I died that day.
He repeated that over and over. At the time, he believed he was dead. He watched himself lay down beside Nancy from across the room.
Even though Sid lived for months after Nancy died, he considers the day she died to be the day he died. He seems to be floating vaguely around his body in the months that followed, though he did slip back in for police interrogations.
“How did she end up with a knife in her belly then?”
“I don’t know. Maybe she fell on it.”
He was terrified of prison. He knew his bar brawling skills wouldn’t do him a lot of good. He doesn’t know why or how he got off, or at least when I ask him, he just shows me grey fog.
When I asked how he died, he shows me a gun. The records show he overdosed.
Thank you for talking to us, Sid.
Next entry: We’ve been thinking and discussing this for a while, and I think it’s finally time to write about it. Next entry will be about what happens if you take your own life. It will be honest, and non-evasive.
Sid, Kurt and George will help with the entry.
If you have any spiritual questions around the topic of suicide, please post them in the comment field of this entry or the next one, and I’ll ask those three to help answer.