Over the weekend, Kurt popped in a few times; once on Friday night as I was sitting quietly before going to sleep. It wasn’t so much an intentioned meditation, just a space to sit in peace and quiet for a few minutes, to check in with my body and thoughts. Then Kurt’s there, and he asks,
Hey! Want to come with me tonight?
I say, “Sure. And I want to remember it tomorrow morning.”
Like dreams, sometimes nighttime out-of-body adventures slip from my day-to-day consciousness completely. I just wake up with this vague awareness of having been somewhere, doing something significant. Sometimes I’ll understand I’d been at some sort of lecture, or out expanding upon lessons. Lately I’ve really been about *creating* with the conscious mind. I wanted to integrate whatever I learned out-of-body into my waking consciousness.
Wow my life’s strange.
Anyway. I went to sleep and woke up, as I often do when I’ve been out-of-body, with this feeling of thumping back into my body and jolting awake at 4am. It being Saturday, I rolled over and slept until 9 am.
By the time I got up, I’d completely forgotten all about Kurt and having done something significant during the night… so Kurt pulls what I’ve come to call “A John”. He gets something I’m listening to or watching to mention him. In this case, in my sleepy, Saturday morning brain fog, I decided to watch an episode of Glee from the first season. The teacher mentioned that as a teen, “I spent a whole year dressing like Kurt Cobain.”
Ping! Goes my brain. My first thought, “Wow, Will Schuester could never look like Kurt,” and then there’s Kurt, clear as sunlight, slouched casually at the end of my couch, big smirk plastered across his face.
That’s pretty rare, since I don’t generally *see* discarnate people that clearly. It takes a lot of effort on their part to become that visible, and my brain has to be in a certain state to even register them. So it was startling for a second, but really nice. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve really registered Kurt on this level.
Hey! Do you remember?
“Oh yeah, we did something last night. What was it? I don’t remember.”
And then Kurt shows me in my mind, what we learned overnight. I saw in my imagination the inside of this black cube, as though I was standing inside of it. The inside of the cube was crossed with gridlines, each square divided into four other squares, this fractal pattern repeating infinitely, so the box was defined yet limitless.
I quipped, “It looks like a blank holodeck from star trek.”
Well, that’s what your mind is doing with it. And I understood that it’s not a physical place, it’s just the association my brain is making with the information. There’s not a physical place that looks like the holodeck, but it’s an accurate and useful metaphor for the information.
The rest of the conversation happened not in whispered words, but in pinging concepts which had been downloaded into my brain overnight and bringing them forward. I’ll paraphrase as though it’s a conversation, because that’s easier to write… somewhere along writing this entry, Kurt popped back in to participate in clarifying a few points.
This place is your life. You can create whatever you like. You program your life with your thoughts, what you decide you want to experience.
You can decide on your programming either actively or passively. That thing you’re doing with the car? That’s active manifestation, a type of it.
(Sweetie & I are getting a new vehicle. Not sure how, but soon and it’ll be a new, 4WD adventure vehicle capable of the road-trips we’re planning.)
You can come to this place every day and refresh the programming in your life. You can clear out anything you’ve picked up from other people, or anything you don’t want. It’s really important to come here every day, to make sure you’re creating your life actively. If you don’t come here and intentionally fill this room with things you want, it’ll fill up anyway.
This room can be programmed with the thoughts of others, the things other people think about you or want for you. It can be programmed with your worries, your anxieties, your diseases. It’ll fill up with all those things you think about and *don’t* want. The only way to prevent it is to actively clean it up and program it with things you DO want.
So babe, what do you want?
I tell you in that moment, I had no idea what I wanted. I completely blanked. Would you believe I said I had to think about it??? I realized the wide-open possibilities, and this huge responsibility to create my own experience. Every detail of life is created in this “room”. This metaphorical room.
So Kurt, how does my holodeck overlap with other people’s?
You want to get into that now?
He shows me transparent bubbles, and you’re looking through your own bubble and seeing someone else’s bubble, so for that moment it looks like the contents of that person’s bubble is occupying space in your bubble. If you believe it, you create the same thing in your reality.
Cool. Wow. So how I integrate this understanding? Like the oil pipeline – there are all these people fighting the pipeline with imagery of the horror an oil spill would bring to our coast. I don’t want to dwell on that imagery, it just makes me sad, and I think it increases the chances of it happening. Instead, I visualize a world that doesn’t need an oil pipeline. We have cars that run on renewable, unlimited resources like hydrogen. I’d rather focus on the solution than put a skull and crossbones anti-oil bumper sticker on my gas-burning car. I believe that in *my* reality, I live in a world that is healing, that is moving towards equilibrium. But sometimes people want to pull me into the “anti” camp, and sometimes things invade our reality seemingly without our consent.
So if there was an oil spill off your coast, how would that change your concept of a healing world? It’s all in how you look at it. Sometimes the oil spill is part of the healing. Remember everyone, you, your neighbors, the earth and all the animals consent to the reality they experience.
God Kurt, this is where my brain starts smoking! (He laughs and shows me weed.) You know what I mean! What about the terrible things in the world? How is that created with consent?
It is all created in this room, the holodeck. Everyone has their own, and they all overlap, you experience other’s reality as your own, (shows me TV) and sometimes the reality doesn’t exist anywhere but in the minds of millions of people… but it exists just as real as anything else. People being afraid of this oil spill has already created it, and millions of people are already mobilized to clean it up.
Just look at my life. I created every bit of it in the holodeck, actively, with my journals.
It’s true, you can actually see it. In reading Kurt’s journals it’s clear he created his rock-star reality through repeated journaling and visualization of exactly how each stage would feel. He rehearsed interviews, phone calls with producers, created songs and music videos including the reaction of the audience. He shows me while writing songs, even though it doesn’t say “audience feels as though their heart is ripped out of their chest” he thinks it very stongly every time he writes and sings this lyric. That’s what manifested the response of millions.
I didn’t really think about it at the time, it wasn’t like The Secret where I was repeating something like some Amway salesman listening to inspirational tapes in the car. I wrote because it brought me to this place in my brain, it was like a fantasy world and I could create the world I wanted. For me, when I was writing, that was reality. I journalled the life I wanted to live, not the one that from the outside it looked like I was living.
That’s why there’s some differences between what I talked about and what (Chuck – heavier than heaven) recorded as actually happening to me. Who is someone else to talk about your life, anyway? It’s always going to be someone else’s story, even if it’s supposed to be about me. Which is also why I wrote those journals, really, I was at least aware that I was writing my own story the whole time… I even thought it was cool to write about this tortured artist archetype, you know, until I was living it. Then I forgot I created it.
I didn’t realize I was creating everything I thought about. (Shows me the addiction and the suicide, both of which he thought about and wrote about as often as being a rock star.)
See, the holodeck fills up with whatever you put there (with your thoughts, your imagination.) If you’re not putting good stuff there, it’ll fill up with whatever you’re experiencing, whatever you’re thinking about. Addiction, depression, anger, hookers, being a victim, being exploited. I created all of that shit. You think I couldn’t have changed all that if I realized I was creating it? I could have. But my (life plan) was to create exactly what I created, because it was what I needed to create for myself and because it (shone through the bubbles of the realities of millions).
Kurt, this is the part that melts my brain – I’m trying to understand where concepts in things like The Secret meets up with concepts like Soul’s Plan. How much of our life did we create before we actively lived it, how much are we creating right now with our dreams and anxieties?
I want you to look at (he’s talking to everyone reading this, including those in the future) Look at your life. Think about it. You are creating it, I promise you, (he sends so much love.) All that shit, you are creating it. Look at my life, (smiles) I would have been so pissed off if you’d told me I was creating that. So you can be pissed at me if you want.
That’s your bubble, babe. Everything in there. You choose whether to see it as your own, or an image shining in from another’s bubble.
Kurt, what can we do about it? Okay, I suspend my disbelief enough to say this oil pipeline war is not mine. But I feel guilty, like I *should* go to the rallies or something. But I just get depressed when I do, and I don’t feel like that makes a difference.
THERE! That’s what you’re creating, that’s in your own bubble. The oil thing, that’s an image projected through millions of bubbles. How you feel, what you do, that’s your own creation. That’s your experience, that’s your consent. The pipeline is an image projected through the bubbles to set the stage for this fucking struggle. Things on that scale are arranged ahead of time.
So what if there was an oil spill? That would be terrible.
Yeah and you just did it again. The oil spill is the image projected into your reality. Your response is your creation. You choose your level of suffering; you choose your experience in response to this shared stimulus. (snort, stimulus.)
Am I sharing the holodeck at all? How is this oil spill showing up in my bubble if I’m actively visualizing another reality?
Are you though? For someone actively creating a lot of reality, the oil spill sure is your go-to horror. And the tsunami.
Yeah, I do spend time worrying about that.
You’re picking up on other people’s worry. That’s the sort of shit you need to clear out. It’ll make your life feel a lot cleaner and easier. It’ll give you some fucking peace once in a while. That’s important, that’s (vital). You need that peace so you can regain control, and start creating actively.
So, how does being prepared factor into this? Does it make it better or worse?
Well, it changes the story you tell yourself. Instead of imagining a tsunami where you’re caught by surprise and starving, now you’re imagining a tsunami where you eat canned beans.
Do you think if I imagined there would not be a tsunami, it wouldn’t happen?
Do you believe it?
Huh. Well, not really. I think I believe there are things that happen which we can’t prevent we just,
You alter your perception of the experience.
So, how could that work for POWs? Could they just imagine themselves out of prison torture?
Yeah, they could, and they do. Some of them, they just leave their bodies. Some of them use their imagination to survive. Those sorts of experiences really intensify this practice of creating your own reality. The trick is, do you believe it? No one can force you to believe a single thing you don’t accept. They can try, but they can’t force it into your mind. That’s what the torture in the dark ages was about, trying to force people to believe new things. What they discovered was that they couldn’t get a single person they tortured to believe in a new God.
But they could use the torture to scare the new religion into the masses. That’s where the power to influence the reality of others really came to shine – fear. There’s huge power in fear to control the reality of others. Look at every single thing you’re afraid of – look at what’s happened in your life. How much of that is what you were afraid of ahead of time?
I guess a lot of it, but not all of it.
Yeah, me too. Even if you can’t prevent every (perceived) bad thing in your life, you can prevent a lot of it by doing whatever you need to do to assuage your fears. You can’t let your fear create your reality. Well you can, but then your life just sucks.
Anger, is the first way I learned to take back that control. I learned it from (Tori? What was her name? I see her comic book character, the feminist girlfriend right after Tracey.) She showed me control and empowerment, and until then, I created by whining and manipulating a lot. Anger was something I could feel proud of, it was a power born out of victimization, and it felt better than just crying about shit and waiting for someone else to fix it. (Shows me spray-painting political slogans.) I went from being a passive-aggressive pain in the ass to an intentional pain in the ass.
At the same time, Kurt, I see you showing me this contrast, like anger is a way to tap into your personal power, but the anger is creating the struggle too. It’s engaging the struggle.
Yeah, well that’s what my whole career was based on, anger worked a lot better than anything else we’d tried.
Kurt, how can we wrap this up?
I don’t know, it’s your journal! What do you want to create?
I want to create this sense of closure for the readers, something for them to think about and integrate which will enhace all of our realities and experience.
Whoo, do you have a God complex!
Ha haa, yeah I guess I do. Isn’t that what this whole holodeck thing is about? Being your own God?
There you go, babe! Exactly. Fucking exactly! Yes.