In the last entry, Sweetie mentioned in the comments that Kurt had brought in Biggie Smalls to continue to conversation. It started with this song:

and the observation that Biggie was exaggerating the *actual* hardships he experienced, in order to tell his emotional truth, and to reach others. Kurt told the story of living under a bridge; while Kurt was homeless, he generally couch-surfed. Couch surfing almost sounds like a party, and it’s tough to describe the misery of sleeping outside on your buddy’s porch. When you say, “I slept under a bridge,” people immediately connect to your experience. So it was with Biggie, eating his sardines.

Yeah, I didn’t say that to make my Mamma sad, (Shows me his mother cupping his face in her hands, and this look on her face, like, “I should smack you but I love you; you’re grown.” Her son being grown and successful… He’s showing me this push-pull relationship with his mother that was full of fierce love and fear and gratitude and prayer. They communicated without words much more eloquently than what they actually spoke aloud.)

I watched the above video, and the next morning while I was biking to work, whispering my mantra, Biggie popped in. He showed himself as this really huge presence, with a gigantic smile. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t a smile on his face, it was the energy of a smile, the feeling projected when someone smiles because they’re happy to see you.

Biggie’s one of those people who take up all the space in the room with his energy, even when he’s silent – but when he speaks, he’s heard. His body backed up his presence, but it wasn’t the reason he dominated the room.

I also get this really sweet, warm scent. I think it’s the smell of his body. There’s this quietness and tenderness. I believe he treated the women in his life with love and respect… and there were quite a few women, but only one actual love: I think he knew that woman from previous lives, so their love had a different quality than Biggie’s other flings or romances. This one woman he had this on-again, off again thing, and they just couldn’t completely get away from each other. They were always drawn together. That woman he loved, he still visits her, and she smells his body. That’s really sweet, he says he still loves her. I wonder who that is?

Biggie was really quick to comment on all the pretty young women who work here at the hospital – he reminds me of John in that way! He notices and appreciates.

Biggie picked up the conversation from “The Wallet” entry, and most of the conversation was an exchange of concepts rather than words. Biggie I hope you can help me to remember and describe what you showed us.

First of all, you’ve got to believe it. That’s the point of that song, you can change anything if you believe it.

Ah yes, I remember now. I’m reflexively resistant to that concept, but I catch myself and I try to open myself to the ideas that Biggie is so passionately trying to get across:

The thing about bein’ poor, you start to believe it, an’ you can’t believe anything is going to change. You start to feel angry, you feel things have been stolen from you. That’s not true, even if you’ve been robbed, nothing has been taken from you.

You can change anything, you just need to believe it. Believe you can change it, and you will change it. You gotta believe it. Believe it.

Biggie, what about life plans? What if we come in with these plans for lessons through suffering – can we change it?

Hell YES you can change it – that’s what I’m sayin’ to you. (His voice is really powerful and certain, as though he was thumping his fist on a table top for emphasis.) Everybody comes into life with a plan – if you didn’t have a plan, you wouldn’t come into life. That would be impossible. (Your very life is created because you have the intention to live it.)

You can change anytime. You can change everything. You can go back and re-live parts of your life again, and do things differently, if you want that experience. There are absolutely no limitations. It’s fuckin’ beautiful, we are all creation.

Biggie, did you go back and re-live parts of your own life?

Yeah, some parts. (Sister. Did he have a sister? There was something when he was younger with a teenage girl that he re-lived immediately after dying – something he regretted. It doesn’t undo what he did, but it creates another timeline where something different happens. He doesn’t show me details, he just answers the question broadly that yes, he did go back. He’s really quite private and protective of his personal life – actually, it’s the private lives of other people he’s protecting. He’s a big protector, Biggie. He took care of people, he sacrificed for other people he loved. Big courage, big respect, big love. That’s Biggie.)

Biggie showed me the timelines, and when you die, it’s like this singular timeline joins beginning-to-end to form a circle. When you die, the timeline is no longer relevant. When you look back on your life memories, you can remember multiple things in the same moment – the experiences have been created and no longer require time for them to exist. Time is temporary. It seems redundant to say that, actually.

So, the thing about “believing it” in order to change it – that’s the key.

You’ve got to face your fear. Fear will keep you in prison (and he means that literally: fear, not poverty, drives many to crime and jail.) Accept it, when you accept into your heart the sadness, that’s one way to lose the fear. It’s better to hope, (I’m reminded of the skinny boy in a German concentration camp, who still believed he would survive. He did survive, he was one of the few, and it was because he chose to hope rather than despair.)

(Now he shows me an 11 year old black boy in a classroom, looking out the window. The boy is deciding whether to hope or to succumb to fear and join a gang.)

In that moment whether you decide to hold on to hope, or to succumb to fear or despair, that’s where the “believing it” comes in. You’ve got to believe it, if you’re going to change it. Because if you don’t believe it, it can’t possibly change.

I think this has to do with the story we tell ourselves in our mind, but Biggie’s shaking his head.

Nah, it’s got nothing to do with the story in your head. It’s the feeling in your heart, that’s your truth. (tapping his chest with his fist). That’s why they say, follow your heart. The fear, that’s in your brain. The hope, and the courage, and the love, that’s in your heart. (He’s got this way of nodding his head in slow emphasis to his words.) Connect to it. That’s what you believe in. That’s what it means to believe in yourself – to believe in your heart. Everything you create, it comes from your head, or it comes from your heart. Your heart won’t never (ever?) lead you wrong. That’s where Jesus is, (smiles and shows me his mother.)

I looked and looked for a photo to match the energy of the Biggie I was speaking to, and I couldn’t find a single photo with Biggie laughing, or even cracking a smile. I was tough to find pics of Kurt cracking a smile, with Biggie it seems impossible, for the moment. He just looks to damn sad in all of those photos. Biggie, help me find one.

The words he gave me were “Biggie is the best” and “Fun with Biggie”, which yielded the photos in this entry. Thanks.

So I was reviewing this entry before posting it, and my computer shuts down and Biggie says, Just fuckin’ send it! Alrighty, I guess I got it right the first time and he doesn’t want me wasting my time. Thanks again Biggie. (Shaking his head and smiling.)