I’ve been thinking about grief, as I miss my cat Leo. A year ago, I lived with four animals. Last February, Mocha died in my arms a few hours after having a stroke. Almost two weeks ago, Leo died beside me.
After Mocha’s death, I experienced a surprisingly short period of painful grief, followed by months of getting used to her absence. I received some amazing remote healing during this time, and I was surprised, delighted actually, to be relieved of that painful, sucking chest wound of sadness.
This time, I find that sadness just keeps returning. Part of me is observing my own process, and wondering *why* I’m grieving for Leo so painfully.
Did I love him more? Is it because I had him longer? Was he *really* special? How might I grieve other losses in my life, compared to the ones in my past?
Sweetie suggested that I could ask for the same healing again… And i realized in that moment that I don’t *want* to stop hurting yet… Which was a surprising realization.
It’s like feeling the grief is a way for me to honour the love. It’s actually something I want to do.
Strangely, realizing this has lifted some of the heaviness from my heart. Until I’m ready to heal, I’ll have a lot of love right here.
Kate Sitka 
Maybe you’re just in a different place yourself this time versus last year. More open. More raw.
Or maybe it’s because he was your first pet on your own. We had dogs when I was growing up. I was incredibly sad when our first dog died (we’d grown up together, puppy and little girl), but it was nothing at all to the all-encompassing and raw grief I felt (and sometimes still feel) when my feline other half died in 2011. Rascal was a pack member; Maci was my constant companion for 15 years, like your Leo and you. It’s different.
Sometimes lately, I find myself curiously dispassionate about things that should probably elicit more of a reaction. The pain that I still can feel when the grief whirlwinds touch down reminds me that I haven’t frozen over; learning to incorporate it is one of the lessons I still have to learn.
(It’s interesting that the two non-humans in your household now are both white. You need some colour, maybe a nice tuxie. 😉 )
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Yeah. Well, we know one kitten is going to be a white male, Sweetie’s childhood cat snowball returning. Sunshine let us in on this plan a year or so ago.
I’m going to select one if his litter mates, and I’m leaving it totally open… Except not a brown tabby. Anything else.
I’ve admired torbies, these lovely mixtures of brown and orange tabby, mixed with tortishell / calico patterning.
Really, they’re all so beautiful. That’s why I’m just leaving it open. I’ll know which kitten when we find Snowball.
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