Kurt: Happiness

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Hey, Kurt. It’s been a long time, my friend.

(shows me Erik, with a teasing flash of the feeling “you’ve replaced me with a younger man, ya cougar!” Which is hilarious because that’s what John once said about Kurt.)

You seem so… glowingly happy today.

Yeah, well you know I’ve been sober for a while. (smirk, drag on the cigarette)

Is there, like, rehab in heaven?

Not like an institution and doctors and shit. You can’t fuck up your body so badly that you need to get detoxed after you die. (quick breath out – like a laugh too short to call a laugh)

There’s a music video in that. Fuck, why do I get all my great ideas when I’m dead? (grin)

(I just sit in appreciation of the humour. It reminds me of being a teenager, these little sarcastic, jesting digs)

Hey Kurt, how many lives have you had?

(wide earnest eyes) On this planet?

Okay that’s another, crazier tangent we can take, but yeah, let’s start with this one. (We exchange a brief chuckle about how crazy it is to be talking to a dead Kurt Cobain about his past lives as an alien. He cracks about me being institutionalized for getting carried away on my own high – expanding my consciousness without chemicals.) So they’ll want to GIVE you chemicals to “fix” it, see how that works? (quick breath out – smell of cigarette smoke)

So yeah, can you put a number on it, or an estimate? (Search the blog for “soul bubbles” on why “how many lives” is not a straight-forward question)

(Pause while he’s thinking.) I guess, like, twenty? As something you’d call human. (I query) No I haven’t been dogs or cats or anything like that. (feeling of: that doesn’t really interest me)

Why as “something you’d call human”? Why the qualifier?

Well, I’m not sure the humanity of 20,000 years ago is the same species you’d call human today.

I don’t think it was at all the same species – I’d have to google it, but (Kurt makes a homo-erectus joke meaning the “erectus” came from wanking on themselves – that was when the separation of the mind / intellect began to differentiate humans from other animal species.)

(Kurt shows me a past life of himself – a precursor of himself – as a very hairy, heavily muscled, short man sitting beside a campfire just outside the mouth of a cave home. He is a hunter, his muscles burn with exhaustion. He’s eating an oily, kind of burnt meat, feeling utterly exhausted. There’s a sense of this being a purely survivalist existence. His body was 16 at the time.)

(Shows me another life passing a pipe – tobacco? Peyote. What’s peyote – LOOK IT UP! It’s vision quest shit. This is a 15-year old, reminds me of “Mowgli” from “The Jungle Book”. Just a very young boy in a loin cloth, body already shaky from the herbal laxatives administered before the ceremony, and the sweat / steam tent. He heads out on his own in the darkness, walks all night, walks through his fear, finds himself stronger in the morning. Discovers he is stronger at night. “Night Hawk” becomes his name. “Owl?” I ask, to clarify? “No,” and shows me a smaller, swifter bird with a high-pitched call. Night Hawk can carry a rabbit that is larger and heavier than himself. When this boy returned from his vision quest a man, he was confident in his small-framed body, and respected as Night Hawk, swift, skilled, silent, clever and deadly for his small size.

This was (one of the best / one of my favourite lives). Whenever I get asked about past lives, I like to go back to the Indian Shit. It’s what people want to hear, (like an overplayed song) because there’s a REASON they want to hear it. People listen to an old song because it reminds them of who they used to be. That’s why people like to hear about past lives about being Native. We’re all Natives, feeling like Aliens.

(He flashes his eyes away – another gesture when he’s said something that tickles him. As I make this observation and type it he said -) Yeah, cause when I (stare / hold your gaze) I’m really tryin’ to bullshit you!

Stares at me.

Oh Kurt.

You should eat more chocolate cake.

I nod, a little laugh here – he’s saying this because last night Sweetie & I were talking about getting a “wedding” cake for our anniversary in the future, and we were debating chocolate wedding cake and that vanilla is apparently more formal. He’s also teasing me about getting sick from eating something Sweetie had prepared earlier this week, using a recipe she found in one of Kurt’s published journals.

All that green shit! (shows me a green smoothie) You can’t handle good food anymore! (the thing Sweetie made.) You need to eat more chocolate cake. Put some weed in it, that’ll help! (help with the nausea of eating too much cake.)

You know about George encouraging me to eat less crap, right?

(waves his hand) That’s because he’s an old vegan hippie! – (Oh this is funny! Kurt blushes because he suddenly felt like he went too far, teasing George! Ha!)

Yeah, no one messes with George the Man – doesn’t feel right. I’m still gonna argue that eating shit and putting all that in your body is part of being alive – for some people. Chocolate cake is not heroin; if you’re not 500 lbs cake is not going to kill you.

(This is in reference to another conversation Sweetie & I had after I read a statistic about 60% of the deaths in the US being related to diseases with dietary causes / exacerbations, such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke etc. I was questioning what data they pulled together to get that statistic, and I’ve been more aware lately of my own body and the soft halo of padding I have on all my “edges”. Not criticizing, just observing.)

I query Kurt on the contrast between George’s encouragement to eat / live clean and Kurt’s contradictory advice.

(Loooooong drag on the cigarette.) Fuck, it just comes down to your personal philosophy. Do you want to live a long life like George? If you want your body to become a “classic” you take care of it. If you want to fuckin’ run it into the ground and kill it early – that’s a reasonable option!

I laugh in surprise at the phrasing “reasonable option” and give it back to him like a question.

YEAH! It’s all recyclable, right? No one is better than the other, you don’t get into a private section of heaven for taking good care of your body. You just get a different life experience. I’m just (addressing) the fuckin’ rock stars in your group (grin- rock star) who would NEVER feel right eating vegan and living peacefully. THIS IS NOT A PEACEFUL PLANET, and guess what – NO ONE incarnates on earth to be peaceful!

There are a million other planets / places you could be if all you wanted to be was happy. We don’t come here to be happy – but sometimes we (go to earth) to learn how to be happy DESPITE all the shit.

Do you think you might come back for that purpose?

Shakes his head – I actually had a LOT of happy moments in my last life. A LOT. Fuck, I feel happy, BLISSFUL remembering – because you know being (out of that body) I can go back and relive the greatest fucking moments, it’s not just remembering the memories, it’s BEING there. You said I was looking happy – I AM so fucking happy, it’s unbelievable. Except it is. (believable because it is.)

And there is your zen moment. (flashes me the theme from Saturday Night Live skits – did they have a “zen moments” skit? It’s like the “deep thoughts” interlude.)

(flashes me the add for an old fender electric guitar I was reading yesterday and I thought of him.) You know you would *love* it, baby! (gives me the feeling of the vibration from the amp travelling through my body, and the power of knowing that my hand on the instrument creates this pulse that goes through a thousand watching people.)

Happiness. (cigarette drag) I don’t know if I actually know what that is, for most people. I don’t know if this thing I might call adrenaline, or ego / power trip, or (gratitude for love) is happiness to other people. I almost don’t want to claim that word. (Shows me an album cover – a smaller, CD case with a black background and the word “Happiness” scrawled across it in dripping red paint.)

There are other words for everything that I’m feeling when I think about being happy. Excitement. (Arousal). Being high. That’s another part of it – the things that made / make me feel “happy” are all of these things that (degrade the physical body) – getting pumped up (on heavy music) that blows out your ear drums and makes you deaf, getting in fights and getting dehydrated and getting high – it’s all about getting high for me, it’s like, feeling the most alive.

And that was a really fucked up thing for me getting told that in order to be a better parent or person – or to “be happier” – that I had to live more of my life like I was half-dead. I just didn’t *care* about all that stuff, I just wanted / needed to get to these places where I really felt fucking alive. These (happiest moments of my life) I don’t regret any of them. Yeah, I would walk that path again. (nodding).

(Not to argue, but just to contrast I show Kurt the stories of being sick and all the crap that links to those best moments – the fallout.)

(Shrugs.) I’m just being honest with you. (looks right at me, putting a tv camera between us – shakes his finger at the camera) Don’t do drugs, kids! (cigarette is hanging out of his mouth, and his “fucked up” look is totally exaggerated.)

What kind of a fuckin’ hypocrite would I be? (shakes his head with the quick-exhale laugh) No, I fucking lived my life for a reason. (Gives me the feeling of great, wonderful strength.)

(He links that feeling back to the feeling of returning from the vision quest as Night Hawk.) That’s happiness to me.

(Big, beautiful grin.)

Thank you, Kurt. (Gives me a big, exaggerated kiss on the cheek and flounces away exaggeratedly feminine wearing a pinkish-white slip with lace edging.)

Woah woah woah woah! Hey, can you come back for a second please? (Does his grover “near-far” impression and is back in an instant, really really close like an inch from my face! I can smell him.)

Now he sits on a chair, picks at the hem of his slip delicately sits with a straight back – he’s created the set of that interview before the Rock Ball when he was wearing a ball gown.

You want to ask about my (cross-dressing)?

Yeah, what is going on there? I guess I’m just curious about it. I was surprised when you did that thing just now. (I take a second here to smack myself mentally. Did that thing just now? Where’d my words go?)

I was seriously telling the truth all along – exactly like I said in the interview; If I want to accentuate my feminine side, I’ll put on a dress. (nightie).

(gives me the reasons in feelings: 1. the material is nice and it really does contrast your body against the clothing. Makes you more aware of your body. Dress in drag and you’ll understand this feeling. 2. The shock value is fun. 3. It might start a fight if someone decides to call you a fag, and that’s awesome because if you win the fight you get to be the “fag” in a dress who beat the shit out of a bigot, and if you lose then it’s a good story to laugh about later.)

(he still enjoys the shock value of appearing in a dress) I like to show up at jock/frat/guy parties where they’re playing (gives me the chorus of “teen spirit”) and (appear as an apparition of himself wearing a short girly nightie mentally shouting “I’m YOUR teen spirit!”) (Laughs in a guffaw, rolls over) They always think it was the craziest fucking high! And they NEVER talk about it ‘cause (what kind of self-respecting macho guy) would ever say to his buddies “Hey, I think I saw the ghost of Kurt Cobain in a dress.”

Still pranking the macho dudes from beyond, eh?

Yeah! And (no chance of getting beaten up) The cool thing is they remember that their whole lives. And I can keep an eye on them. I’m not being mean, just reminding them there’s more to their reality than the grunt work.

(I give a quick apology to Kurt upon completion of this entry, because I know he was talking to me with a better vocabulary than I’ve employed I this entry, my brain seems to have dumbed a lot of it down to monosyllabic words. He just shrugs, says that’s alright and he doesn’t really care because the point is there.)

Thanks Kurt.

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15 thoughts on “Kurt: Happiness”

  2. So did Kurt say that he had a life where he was actually an alien or was that just a greater metaphor? Great channeling. I channel him all the time and this falls in line with what he’s said to me – he has a huge variety of lives that explore all sorts of things. Generally human though because thats what he prefers. That blend of masculine and feminine energy is something he really loves where he explores the extremes of two of them and then mixes them together.

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  3. I’ve been so busy lately, I’ve missed a lot of great entries! I like this one…it’s interesting, I’ve cleaned up my diet big time lately. I sort of felt encouraged to for awhile with George, but he knows that a lecture about it will only cause me to dig in my feet and become stubborn and defensive about it. He used a very patient, loving and gentle approach with me and it worked. It had to be MY decisions, ultimately, like I just decided to do it. It wasn’t easy. But it made me realize how screwed up my relationship to food is, and that I’m addicted to carbs and sugars like I’d been any other substance in my life that is now gone. It was a massive overhaul and I actually had physical flulike symptoms from the detox. I do feel much better and I’m much more aware of what foods give me energy and what kind of energy. What foods “feel” better than others, and what ones will make you crash later and crave more.

    I tease George a lot, but I respect him. He teases me right back. He’s really funny and I enjoy his company on a daily basis. Some of his jokes are long and complicated and woven into the physical world in a way that leaves me shaking my head in wonder. Like, “How did you DO that?”

    I spent most of my life at this point giving into nearly every physical sensory craving my body wanted. I’m really trying to learn to control it better so I can enjoy life more fully. I’m not going to be a stick in the mud or anything. But the highs I feel these days are far greater than any drug I ever tried in my life. And, I tried them ALL. Plus, these highs are a lot cheaper.

    Mr. Cobain, I love you dearly. You are something else.

    Also, I’m tired of being Trixie on here. I’m ready to be Sara. 🙂

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  4. I’m laughing my socks off here! I would so love to be a fly on the wall at one of those frat parties, just to see the looks on their faces.

    That’s something about Kurt that kind of gets me, when people talk about him like he was this miserable a-hole all his life, when if you watch some of the footage of him goofing around, or hear what Krist and Dave and other people who worked with him say, he was a really funny guy. (Still is. Cracks me up sometimes. 🙂 )

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    • Yeah, I think sometimes people will look at just one facet of a person, and then extrapolate a complete opinion of that person based on this one thing being presented at the time.

      And being completely honest, I would’ve kept my distance from Kurt if I had known him / grown up with him, because that’s what I did with other kids who made a lot of noise and seemed unconcerned for their personal safety.

      I kind of think it goes both ways – sometimes people “feel judged” and will put out a lot of angst or anger towards someone when that person isn’t actually making a judgement, it’s just that you’re not compatible.

      Funny, after I posted this entry I went to the little market store and “come as you are” was playing. I hung out and enjoyed it and then remarked to the clerk, “I haven’t heard this in a while.” He said, “Yeah, I’m BRINGING IT BACK!” And I’m all, “YEEESSS!” It was a nerdy nirvana moment.

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      • What would you say the difference is in Kurt now spiritually in comparison to when he was ‘growing up’ and being on earth so to speak? Energetically speaking, he’s still as impulsive yet tranquil and really revels in his humanness. I’ve seen his higher self and I’ve spoken to him for a while now and not much as really changed. He’s just gained a lot of objectivity about his life but those explosive habits of just letting yourself ‘go’ really hold true for him because that’s just who he is as a soul. That means exploring all parts of the human psyche, including your darkness and loving destruction as much as creation because both are synonymous.

        Since you channel him regularly I was just curious to see what your interpretation would be of that question I asked.

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      • I was speaking more to my own experience. I know that I as a teen couldn’t even tolerate heavy music. I was the nerd that, when asked what music I liked by the cool lead in the school play, replied “classical”. And the conversation ended.

        Re: ” What would you say the difference is in Kurt now spiritually in comparison to when he was ‘growing up’ and being on earth so to speak?”

        I’m not really sure of the question, are you asking how I think Kurt has changed since he died?

        If that’s the question, honestly, I don’t really feel comfortable taking a crack at that one. I don’t have an “opinion” of him, he is who he is, you know? *I* would dislike being evaluated in such a way, if he were to have an opinion of me and my progress.

        If that’s not what you meant, I apologize – please feel free to clarify.

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  6. I loved reading this! I’m a huge Kurt fan, and I talk to him all the time (but I don’t have the conscious psychic gifts you guys seem to!) Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to hear/see with intention 🙂

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  7. I love reading this stuff,too. I was hesitant to jump in because I am still fighting the ‘feeling a little crazy’ factor. I am not psychic, but I started spontaneously leaving my body about 2 years ago. I kept crossing paths with this one guy. I first found him meditating in a large Roman meditation center with 100s of men. I traveled back to him dozens of times and heard some pretty wild stories of his life in the afterlife. I once found him in a ramshackle jail cell, where he had landed after having the wrong ‘ID’ (not sure what he meant) on the way to some alien planet orgie.

    About 6 to 8 months into this, I walked into my office and a coworker is on the desk top looking at an article about Kurt Cobain. I knew nothing about Kurt Cobain and couldn’t have picked him out of a line-up. I looked at the picture and was shocked to see my friend’s face, except my friend has shaggy short brown hair and is clean shaven. But most the details he shared with me about his last incarnation fit KC (except the way he died). He definitely is an edgy guy and ridiculously funny at times, as Kate has discovered. I must say this whole experience has changed my perception of the afterlife. I tell my friends “This is not your Grandma’s afterlife.”

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