I’ve been mulling and mulling on the topic of this entry, and it’s plain I’m not going to make any progress on my writing in any other area unless I address this topic, which I’ve been holding back.
I’ve been in a push-pull with faith. It’s a weird thing to attempt to describe this conflict, when I feel conflicted yet there is not actual *conflict* going on. What has changed is that my spiritual world has expanded enormously in the past two years, and yet my ideology, the intellectual framework I use to understand my place and purpose in existing has not evolved or changed with my experiences, and I need a firmware upgrade. A faithware upgrade.
I’ve found myself intensely, deeply, painfully drawn towards people who talk about their connection with their faith. I’ve thought about going to church or to AA meetings. This is a difficult thing to admit because I know I don’t need a house of faith or ritual of spirit to connect with my creator.
And yet I can’t escape the driving need I’ve been feeling to *pick something* and be done with it. Just fuckin’ DIVE IN already!
Another source of the conflict is that I intuitively know that what I’m looking for isn’t in a church or at a prayer meeting. I understand my own independent nature enough to know I can’t be led to this pool of faith and drink – I need to decide for myself how I’m going to get there.
Yet the burden of making the decision is so heavy, I can’t bring myself to make it! Which is hilarious because intellectually, I *know* there is no wrong path, no wrong faith, and it’s not like you can fail at being a child of heaven and earth, right?
See, where I find myself tripping up a lot is in language. Part of the conflict is in using the word “god”. You start talking about your relationship with god, you’re employing the language with a lot of heavy history. I can’t talk about god without thinking about the weighty history of others who have used that word.
And yet, no other word suits me.
When I was a kid and I asked my parents whether God was real, they told me they had to get back to me. They had a little parent conference, and then they told me they believed that someone “got things going” but that we as individuals are responsible for our own lives and actions. This was good enough for me at the time, since I was basically asking whether “god” fell into the same category as Santa and the Easter Bunny. Since the answer was “no” I thought to myself, “Good. This voice/presence/feeling inside of me is God, and I’ll talk to him like that.”
When I was a kid, “God” was the word I put to my spiritual connection to the universe. It’s something I never gave up, even though my relationship with mother earth would soon establish and grow.
I stay grounded in mother earth every day. I talk to her creatures every day. I am aware of the consciousness of the trees, the birds, the blades of grass, the rocks, the collective earth energy and even the spirit of the air and wind. But this connecting isn’t *enough* for me anymore. I think it’s because I spend so much time now talking to spirits in heaven, and helping other people to make that connection with their loved ones.
I am very grounded and supported here on earth, but I never lost that connection with god that I established as a child. When I really needed something, I asked god. Not mother earth, god. Even if I was talking to my spirit guide, my spirit friends or any angels – I would always ask them to please relay this request to god, and to please help it all happen.
Now, I know there is no one right way to relate to god. Some people say “the universe” or “source”. You know what? I can’t feel the strength of connection when I ask “the universe” for something. Maybe it’s because I really lock in when I feel like I’m connecting with a Consciousness.
I like relating to nature as conscious form. Sure, plants don’t have thought processes the way that humans do, but you can *relate* to them *as though* they have a consciousness that can speak, and their communication will filter through as a conversation. I have this understanding that although the information comes through as a conversation, with plants and rocks or other “inanimate” objects, it’s not an incarnation in the same way that I express myself. A blade of grass will relate no information of its past lives as other blades of grass. Humans and many animals, however, will.
Maybe it’s because I’m a medium that I need to relate to my creator as a consciousness, a singular consciousness. That’s what feels familiar to me, that’s what feels strong. I know it’s not everyone’s thing, but I have to give myself permission for it to be MY THING.
So that’s it. You’re dully notified, readers! Faithware upgrade is initiated, and I’ll be talking to and about god more often.
This will be very interesting!