Merry Christmas to all our Blog Friends, from our house to yours!
Kate, Sweetie, Rupert & Mikey
For some of you, this title will be a bit of an exaggeration of your state of mind or where you are in your life. For others, life is in such a rapid swing of change that you’re self-editing the word “dumpster fire” into the sentence.
Wherever you are on the “How am I supposed to live my life’s purpose while all of this is going on?!” spectrum, this post is for you.
Y’all know I like to question commonly-held truths in the new age community. One of those truths is, if you’re living your life’s purpose, if you’re on track, you have a sense of peace and satiety most of the time. Many believe that if you’re feeling frustrated, limited, hampered, or sidelined in life, it’s because you are doing something wrong. That you’re not living your life’s purpose.
That’s a super-scary thought. It’s another way of saying you’re *wasting your life*.
Okay, sometimes when I’m cleaning house for the millionth time, I may mutter to myself, “I cannot be meant to be scrubbing this toilet right now.”
We all have that relationship with chores. If you enjoy scrubbing your toilet, please email me with your toilet-scrubbing mantra, so that I too can enjoy the zen bliss of a creating a fresh and sanitary vessel for my family’s bodily waste. I have *tried* toilet scrubbing meditations – I do not, thus far, recommend folding spiritual practice into a dirty chore. I have also yet to see an online course on self-hypnosis to love daily drudgeries. There’s a market niche for you there! Go for it! I will learn from you!!!
More than the daily maintenance of our physical bodies – the feeding and caring of these vessels that can be enjoyable, but can also feel burdensome, life sometimes throws us events that completely separate us from the track we have laid out for ourselves. Or maybe we’ve had to abandon that path because we have family to care for, or bills to pay, or medical mysteries to investigate.
When life throws us a curve ball, we want to ask “What the HELL is that all about!?” and we want to ground that event in a deep spiritual meaning for our overall life.
We want to incorporate it into our Life’s Purpose.
Here’s the thing.
Incarnation is complex. We are given these marvellous bodies, created from organic elements of the earth, and occupied by our spiritual consciousness, our energetic selves. When we take the leap into a lifetime, when we (re)incarnate into a body, most of us have SOME idea of what we want to accomplish.
As I discussed in the podcast episode on Planners, Wingers and Rafters, that life plans can vary from a detailed script of life events, to a loose outline or checklist that leaves a lot of room for exploring and adaptation, or a single line, motto or word.
What we can’t plan for is what is going to actually happen once we’re locked into these fabulous biological miracles we call bodies.
Everyone, no matter how detailed the life plan, is subject to the random and rapid change that happens here on earth. We can’t just snap ourselves out of it, either, like we can in spirit. That’s actually WHY we incarnate, because the stakes are so high here. We’re invested. We *have to* live through it.
Honestly, that’s why incarnating here on earth isn’t a popular choice. There are many other planets and life forms out there – my conversation with Pinky is one of my favourites. I only have to *glance* at that blog post to remember the vividness of that conversation – the largeness of Pinky’s hands, the slow deliberation of his/her movements, the communion s/he experiences with other life on the planet, the sheer massiveness and density of life on that planet compared to here.
There are life forms where incarnation does not feel as isolating, where we don’t forget as much about our spiritual selves and our past lives. Earth is one of the few crazy planets where we can actually *forget* who we are.
So those of us incarnated here, now, who have an awareness that we go on after life, and who, like me, spend time thinking about, focusing upon, and working towards fulfillment of their life plan, it’s beyond frustrating when life throws you a curve ball that restricts your abilities! But it happens to ALL of us, and it happens in different ways to different people. Accidents, misfortune, bad luck.
We can feel “held back”. It can inspire anxiety if you start thinking, “Oh my god, am I just treading water here? Am I wasting my life?”
No you’re not. Here’s the thing:
The problem with life plans is we can never fully plan or anticipate the random effects of incarnation. I’m not just talking about free will, which does have a huge impact – I’m talking about the random life events that can delay, distract or even endanger us.
This is the whole reason we have Spirit Guides, and spirit helpers / teachers through our lifetime. We cannot make it through our lives on luck alone. We need some angels, some spirit friends pulling for us – especially while we are children!
Sometimes, something will happen in life that creates a timeline we didn’t intend to create. I see this most often with an unintended / unplanned death. This happens. We can’t control for all the random factors. When something feels so wrong, wrong on a fundamental level, wrong in a way that inspires feelings of betrayal and anger at god, well, you feel that way for a reason.
Maybe it wasn’t a part of the deal.
Life plans are often talked about as “contracts with god”. I first read about this term in one of Sylvia Browne’s books, but I’m not sure if she coined that idea. I don’t think she did, actually, but she did make it a popular idea. It’s a very useful idea, too. You’ve agreed to take on these duties and challenges in your life, and to do your best, and you can’t change your contract with god, nor can god renege on providing the support you need to cope with these challenges.
There is a reason why, in the wake of a health crisis, or a great loss, we may find ourselves wrestling with anger, or an overwhelming *knowing* that this is wrong.
Sometimes things happen that weren’t planned. Sometimes it feels wrong because it is wrong.
And we have to make the best of it. They, our spirit friends, our family in spirit, and “god” helps us to move forward, when something unexpected and unplanned derails our Life Plan.
So what about our life’s purpose then?
Did you notice that “Life Plan” is different from “Life Purpose”?
We see this in the wake of a tragic, unplanned death. A few years after a high school friend of mine died in a motorcycle accident, he came to visit Sweetie and I on Christmas day. We had a lovely conversation with him. He showed me his spirit standing over his body where it had been thrown after his bike hit an oncoming truck – because he’d fallen asleep. His spirit, standing over his dead body, was expressing “Oh no! Oh shit! What happened! I’m dead! Oh no!!!”
All those who knew him felt the wrong-ness of his death. It was wrong. It was an accident.
Well, our friend’s spirit grandmother took him by the hand, let him have his processing time, and then helped guide him into his next incarnation – on a spiritual level, his own sister – her higher self – agreed to have one additional child. She would raise two children, instead of one. And the one child who was waiting to incarnate as the sister’s first and only child, agreed to wait another couple of years so that our friend could step in and become the first child, so he could take his life plan into a new lifetime, as his own nephew.
This is how we adapt, spiritually. Maybe things aren’t meant to happen, but they do happen, and retroactively, our spirit friends and the universe at large, helps us to form a new timeline, helps us to make it “meant to be” retroactively.
Bearing that in mind…
I think that ALL of us run into unexpected and unplanned challenges in life. We hit against restrictions our higher self, our spirit self, could not conceive of as being a problem. This is *why* we incarnate, because as spirits, we love to forget how random life can be!
In spirit, we simply create what we need, instantly. That’s why a lot of us call it Heaven. Want to visit your great aunt Ruth? BANG! You’re there! And you’ve gone back in time to visit ancient Rome, just because it’s a fun spirit vacation!
What we can’t create in spirit is exactly this – the things we struggle with and against in physical bodies. Our limitations, our vulnerability, our very mortality.
This very struggle is an important part of our Life’s Purpose.
It may not be what you planned, but it is in the user agreement.
If we have expansive spirits, if we have enthusiastic and ambitious spirits, we tend to set up and PLAN very challenging lives! We sometimes forget to allow for the limitations that come with mortality!
That’s why we can feel so impatient with ourselves. Sometimes our life plans, our ambitious ideas of what we wanted to accomplish while we are incarnated, are not always lived out exactly in the way we planned or intended. I think that the more ambitious we are in spirit – the more likely we are to bump up against our restrictions!
Sometimes – if our spirit is truly masochistic (not in a self-hating way, in a shoot for the stars deal with the consequences as we go kind of way) we will come in programmed for *incredible* ambition that is *constantly* driving us! Remember that ambition may not be specific! You might just have planned to travel as far / fast as possible in whichever direction you choose! You may be a Winger who is insanely enthusiastic and optimistic in spirit!
And that’s good! It can bite you in the butt sometimes, but it’s still good!
That’s also why we feel so deeply, spiritually, conflicted when it seems our reality has thrown a wrench into our plans!
But, I’m supposed to be doing deep huge massive changing helping transformative work! Why the heck am I stuck here? What good is this? What is the point of this? What am I supposed to be learning that I’m not getting? How can I move PAST this already!? Why am I cleaning this toilet AGAIN!?
Do you understand what I’m saying here?
Did you ever have a conversation with your own higher self, or with god, that went something like this:
WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING!!!??? WWWWHHYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!??????? ADRIAAAAAANNNN!!! (Erik popped in for that Rocky quote – I had to go read the context of it and WOW is it appropriate! Thanks E!)
Yeah, me too! And maybe, like me, you like to try and create elaborate plans for your future – because planning helps to control the crazy randomness of this incarnation ride!
Here’s the thing: Even if you are not exactly where you thought you’d be in the map of your life plan, you can still, and you can *always* live your Life’s Purpose.
After all, part of the whole point of life, part of our very purpose in incarnation is to actually figure out HOW to cope with physical life as we live it!
Never forget, especially if you feel life is especially hard in this moment, that not only is life supposed to be hard sometimes, and we signed up to deal with the unexpected, but we are supposed to adapt, refocus and get creative with our resources where we are – wherever we find ourselves. Whatever hardship, whatever pain, whatever frustration – we still have purpose, we always have something to offer.
So how do you re-center yourself when you feel like you’ve been knocked off track?
First, and most importantly: forgiveness.
This is not easy. It can take years! Don’t worry, you can work on forgiveness *while* you work on the next steps too. Just understand that forgiveness is often done in stages, over many years, sometimes over lifetimes. You may need to forgive someone who betrayed or hurt you, you may even need to forgive yourself! Anger and grief can be all-consuming – they can steal far too much of your energy – energy you could be directing at something positive, something that will make you happier, something that will uplift others and yourself. Don’t let judgement, or a grudge, occupy any more of your life than is reasonable. Feel your feelings like crazy – and then gently, over time, work on forgiving.
Here’s another sneaky thing that happens: if you have a lot of emotion that’s racketing around your body like a squirrel in a cage, that emotion will find outlets in anger, resentment, judgment and frustration. If there’s some forgiving you need to be doing, avoiding looking at those issues that require your attention and forgiveness will cause your emotions to lash out in other parts of your like. Family stress could turn into anger towards coworkers. Judgment against yourself might lead to resentment of your own friends!
For so many of us, we need to forgive ourselves our own mortality. Our own physical limitations. Do you know how many times over the years I’ve heard from people – blog friends, clients, friends and family members – that if only they could – if only they needed less sleep, if only they could resolve this chronic illness, if only this injury would heal, if only this PTSD would relent – if only we weren’t so darn HUMAN we could finally go about our life plan full-throttle!
Mortality is not easy. The stakes are very high, and our world is hazardous. Coping with reality is part of our work! We get injuries and illnesses which *we did not plan for*. Yeah, that’s a controversial statement in the new age / spiritualist community. I’m saying it, though! A lot of things happen for a reason, but not *everything* happens for a reason. I just don’t think so. I’m open to discussion on this point, though, if you’d like to comment.
Our bodies are beautiful, fragile, and prone to error! Our genes carry the memories and traumas of our ancestors. Our food carries the chemical and energetic signature of our culture. All this adds up – we need rest, we get injured – or we just get *tired*.
I burned out three times before I was 30 years old. I get *tired*, man! I drive myself! My spirit is ambitious, I am blessed with the support of loving friends and family. But yeah, I struggle. I’m always trying to be better, to do more.
That is part of the point!
If you scroll back through the blog entries since I started writing here in 2012, you’ll see me chronical all sorts of challenges, and you’ll see me document all the ways I hit up against my limits. Financial limits. Physical limits.
There is only so much we are capable of doing, our limits are unique to ourselves, and how we calibrate ourselves physically is not *entirely* within our own control.
If I had complete control over the physical manifestation of my body, there are a few choice physical things I’d change – but mostly I would change my energy, my need for rest. My spirit just wants to be *doing something spiritually productive* all the time!
But my physical body needs a clean toilet. It needs to be fed and rested. Sheets need changing, food needs cooking, and I my soul needs downtime to connect with my Sweetie and my friends here in town. My consciousness needs respite from my physical body too – honestly, I think that’s why I sleep so much! (And by “so much” I mean an average of 9 hours a night, more than the average adult, but consistent since my teens. If I could choose, I’d sleep maybe an hour a day. A nap.)
I find that on my personal forgiveness list, I have to consistently work on the judgments I make of myself. It’s a side-effect of having high expectations of yourself.
You know that phrase, “Shoot for the moon – if you miss, you’ll land among the stars”? Well some of us keep on rocketing frantically around the cosmic map of our life plans, forever striving to thread the needle of hitting that one tiny moon amidst this whole glorious wonder of a universe!
And so many of us try to do it alone.
There’s where our Life’s Purpose comes in.
We may have life plans – whether that plan is a 50lb atlas of a mission, a page-long manifesto, or a single motto of spiritual truth, we all have something we’re trying to do here.
And we all have opportunities around us to adapt and shift. We aren’t alone, spazzing around in the stars. Take a look around you. Take a look at your internet community, (I love you guys!) and your physical community (I love my home!) You will find ENDLESS opportunities to adapt your life plan.
Sometimes, your opportunity is to simply face your challenges with as much determination and grace as you can muster. Sometimes, you’re meant to reach out for help, to build connections you will understand better as the years pass. Sometimes, you’re meant to answer a call for help – you’ll feel that impulse.
Sometimes, you’re meant to be brave, and live through something you never thought you’d have to deal with.
Your life plan sometimes ends up in your back pocket – and that’s okay – because your life’s PURPOSE is all around you, it’s just outside, it’s in your friendships – current and future – it’s in your community – it’s in that day job – it’s even found at the bottom of a clean toilet. In the dirty dish you managed to wash. In the eyes of your pet. In the words of a text sent to a friend or stranger.
Your life plan is *waiting for you to adapt*. If you’re in a boat and you’ve been blown off course, you have to keep moving forward anyway. Even in uncharted waters, you have the choice to float or to direct your motion. Your spirit friends will help you figure it out – but you have to get on with living your life’s purpose – which is to live your life! Your precious, limited, fragile, mortal life!
We spiritualists, us new age-y folks, we can get so focused upon our life plan that we find ourselves questioning the spiritual value of activities which truly fill our lives with joy. Family traditions. Entertainment (like the choir Sweetie and I attended! HOLY COW it was amazing!) Doctor’s appointments. (My own went fine, thanks to those who have asked. No answers yet, I’ve been referred to the next specialist down the line.)
We re-discover our life’s purpose in this: Happiness.
Allow yourself to be gently guided by happiness. Question the urgency offered to you by others. Question spiritual ultimatums which ask for payment (in work or money) in exchange for fulfillment – unless the payment truly brings you happiness.
We can’t do *everything* because, you know, we’re incarnated. We have freaking limits! That is part of the point! So we *have to make choices.*
Spiritually, every choice we make ripples outward. It affects other people. We get to see those affects in our life review! But you don’t have to spend too much time worrying about that right now. Your life review is not *only* about your contribution to a worldwide momentum. Generally, it’s about incorporation of the entire experience into our energetic / spiritual consciousness. Often, it’s used as motivation for your NEXT life plan! Incarnation can be quite a rabbit-hole.
There is a reason our life includes paying bills, sleeping, and scrubbing toilets. All of those activities are just as much a part of your life, whether you’re in survival mode – or thrive mode.
I’m totally in thrive mode, you guys. I’m doing this psychic thing, and I’m also working at the hospital doing a good job there. I’m also helping people as much as I can through the union. I’m also visiting with friends pretty regularly, and calling my Dad as often as possible.
If I were to pick just one thing to focus on in my life, if I quit my job and my union, if I hired a housekeeper and stopped scrubbing my toilets, if I did *nothing else* but blog and teach and provide sessions and promote myself – well my business would grow for sure, but I don’t think I’d be living my life’s purpose any more.
I actually think I’d be living it a bit less. I’d be narrowing my life, limiting my routine. I don’t think I’d be taking advantage of the full spectrum of my life.
Even if you’re a planner, you have to learn to wing it a bit.
Here are some Foundations for Living your Life’s Purpose, regardless of the flaming tatters your life plan may be in:
1. Stabilize yourself with routine. It’s grounding! I have so much to say about routines. This might seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out.
Your routine can be flexible, but the idea is to make some decisions about daily activities just once, and then stick to that, instead of using energy to make the same decisions every day. Even people at war can find strength and comfort in the routine of meals, of comradeship, of letters from home. If you have a waking up and going to bed routine, a cleaning routine, a socialization routine, an annual routine of traditions that brings you opportunities to look forward to life, hold on to and nurture the routines that serve you. Routine helps you to cope with adversity, and help you to conserve energy that might be better employed directed at your life’s purpose, rather than solving the myriad of little life logistics that pop up and need managing. The *idea* of routines may seem restrictive, but really, routines let you be proactive about your needs, which frees up a lot of energy. It’s the energetic equivalent of “a stitch in time, saves nine.”
Personally, I try to do an evening cleaning routine, lay out my clothes for the next day, set my coffee in the evening, and set reminders for tasks I need to do in the morning, which I’m likely to forget in the fog of waking up. All these little things bring me peace of mind, conserves my energy, and ultimately gives me more opportunities to help others because my routine actually gives me freedom. I don’t run out of food because I food prep routine makes sure I have some meal flexibility, so I am able to impulsively help a friend without sacrificing healthy eating for the week.
So much of my routine includes the background beauty of where I life, and the people I work with. My commute to the hospital is through a freaking national park! My gardening routine involves regular encounters with deer. This is so very different from my Toronto routine that involved a lot of stress, long hours, and crowds.
If you *hate* your current routine, like I did in Toronto, then focus your energy on your long-term goals. More on that later. I really need to do a blog post about how moving can shift your whole life, I’ll make a quick mention of it now: You don’t even have to move out of town to get the shift you need. If you feel stuck, consider how moving house, moving in with a roommate or out on your own, to a new town or a new country – how moving can bring the changes you need to your routine. This is rooted in energy work and I’m actually covering a lot of it in the class / course material I’ve been working on for three years (sheesh!)
2. Explore new things. Even if you love every aspect of your life, we have a fundamental need to learn and explore. Growth brings ENDLESS opportunities to live your life’s purpose. No matter what is going on, there is nearly always an opportunity to learn something new. New things bring you in contact with new people, too! One of the most enjoyable things about my routine, aside from the sanity and comfort it brings to my life, is the opportunity to break with routine once in a while, which is invigorating!
3. Take care of your body. This folds into your routine. If you neglect yourself, if you regularly wear the same washed-out hoodie that you slept in the night before, if you never change your sheets, scrub your toilet or prepare nourishing food, you simply cannot live your life’s purpose. At the very least you’ll put a ticking clock on your abilities to do so, before you burn out just like I did! Do everything you reasonably can to take care of yourself. Be honest about and accepting of your body’s needs.
4. Take care of your spirit and your state of mind. Pessimism is a warning sign. We feel pessimistic about our future and other people when we’re burnt out, or we have neglected our spiritual or emotional needs. Sometimes we’re in survival mode, but even then we can try to take care of our spirits. I often think of Nelson Mandela. If he could take care of his own spirit and state of mind for THIRTY YEARS, I can cultivate my own optimism and strength of spirit too, no matter what. I almost made this point #1, however I’ve found that if I address my routine, my need for new experiences and my the needs of my physical body, my spiritual care and my state of mind becomes a LOT easier.
5. Set goals. Nothing will help you ground into your life’s purpose than setting a series of goals. Some goals may be lofty and long-term, but be sure you set some that are enjoyable and easy to achieve. My short-term goals have been as simple reviewing a list of things I want to accomplish in the week, and mentally going over a day’s to do list in the morning as I wake up. This helps ground me into the fulfillment of living my actual day to day life! I like to use a bullet journal to keep tabs on all the moving parts of my routine (ensuring I go to the dentist, the optometrist – and that Sweetie goes as well!) as well as my long-term goals. My short-term goals may be easy, but tracking them allows me to *feel* the accomplishment.
The Bullet Journal also helps me to plan out my life up to a year in advance, so I can make progress on the book / class I’ve been writing, and so that I actually get to take time off to visit with friends, family, and enjoy the summer. I *love* the bullet journal method for helping me make decisions on how I’m going to spend my time, while managing my responsibilities. It helps me to pull all the threads into one place and decide how and when I’m going to put energy into what is important to me, where I am in life. I find that I almost never accomplish a goal within my ambitious timelines, but as long as I continue to track it, I DO get things done!
6. Enjoy yourself. As much as I’m a fan of self-discipline and routine, I like to take advantage of impulse too. Maybe I drop in on a friend for a visit instead of cooking that dinner I planned. Maybe Sweetie and I decide to go to Nanaimo for a change of scene instead of cleaning the house. Maybe I choose to enjoy my food, instead of worrying or judging myself if I don’t eat “clean” all the time. One year, I stuck to a diet so restrictive I achieved an “off the rack” body – meaning I could literally look fantastic in almost anything for sale in stores. I remember it as the year of endless compliments that felt strange and unfamiliar, but mostly I remember it as the year I had no chocolate around Christmas, no Turkey for thanksgiving, and no ice cream that summer. Life is short. I could do a lot more sessions in a year if I never took time off to enjoy myself. I could accomplish a lot more for the hospital and the union if I didn’t prioritize time with my Sweetie, or commit to my self-care routine. But these are the things which revitalize me.
7. Release perfection.
My goodness, I do go on, don’t I? Thank you for sticking with it. I truly hope this has been helpful to you.
I thought you guys would appreciate this.
While Canada has a reputation for “free universal healthcare”, every actual Canadian will want to explain to you how it’s not actually free. We pay for it with our income taxes (in some provinces we even get a separate bill for healthcare, though, it’s not nearly as high as what I’ve seen insurance rates cost in the US), there’s a lot that isn’t covered (medication, dental, and eye care) and for what is covered, if it’s not a dying-right-now screaming-in-pain emergency, you have to wait for it. It can take a long time to get a test, or an appointment with a specialist. It’s a better system, but it’s not a perfect health care utopia.
I think I have bladder angels, helping me to navigate this process. The last time the urologist was in town, (he comes here four times per year) even though I was told it would be a three-month wait, he had a cancellation and was able to get me in on the one day in three months he was going to be in town. Cool, right?
He then fired off requests for more diagnostic tests, and the waiting would begin again. The wait for one test, happening tomorrow, was *four months long*. The plus side though, is my need for this test isn’t considered “urgent”.
It does take a whole day, and I might need another day for recovery, depending on how well I tolerate the process. What’s really cool is what just happened:
The urologists’ office called and they had *another* cancellation. I can get a second procedure completed just before I get the first test! I get a two for one tomorrow, which is great, because each appointment is a whole day’s project – a trip into town, time at the hospital, and the time spent trying not to worry about it.
In talking with the urologist’s receptionist, she said, “Wow, that never happens! People ask for it all the time! We’ll be sure to have you out in time for your second appointment.”
Lucky me. I must have bladder angels… and really nice people sending me lots of love. Through sheer luck and providence, I think I’ve already had my wait time reduced by six months.
Thank you for that.
I thought I’d give you folks a kitten break, and an update on the Boys. For those who are new readers, first of all, WELCOME J and here’s the background on the kittens:
Back in 2013, I said goodbye to my Very Special Boy, Leo. I found Leo at the North Bay Humane Society in 1999, as a 1 year old stray (who was either lost or abandoned after a move – he was always incredibly stressed by boxes and cars. He was the only cat I ever met who didn’t like boxes.) Leo was with me through relationships, through cross-province and cross-country moves, all through my 20s and into my 30s.
We love all of our animals, of course. That’s a given. But there are *very special ones* who seem to connect with us on a deeper level. Leo was that for me. When he died, I felt like I’d lost a limb, and I also felt like I immediately wanted him to come back… But Leo would have to wait. Sweetie and I needed to sort ourselves out, move to better, more stable housing, and stabilize our income. I kept the possibility open for Leo, and I half-expected to see him being given away on a street corner one day. I would see pregnant cats in the neighbourhood and my heart would leap – maybe Leo will be there!
But I held back in actively pursuing it. If Leo really wanted to come back *before* I had all my ducks in a row, he’d have to put himself right in my path. I wasn’t going to go kitten shopping. So I waited.
Meanwhile, ever since 2012, we’d been awaiting the arrival of another special kitten: my Sweetie’s childhood cat Snowball.
Snowball was a white cat. During a conversation with Sunshine, our beloved female white cat who lived with us from 2007 until her passing last year, Sunshine talked a lot about needing a backup / replacement white cat who would take over *her* duties as a white cat in our house, and to Sweetie. This was the conversation when Sunshine said that Sweetie had made it a *condition of her incarnation* that she would have a white cat companion at all times.
It was then that Sweetie realized she had *indeed* had a white cat in her life for all of her life, except when she went to university and was unable to take Snowball with her. (He promptly died after she left home so he could be with her in spirit, until he could come back to her in body. Sweetie always felt grief thinking Snowball died of a broken heart when she left home, but he simply, and cheerfully, transitioned so he could go with her.)
After that conversation in 2012, when Sunshine let us know there was a white kitten in waiting for us (with blue eyes, and I kept hearing the name “Mikey”, and I wondered at the time if this would be the name of a human involved.)
Sunshine was often strongly visual in her communication. She would share images and feelings, and sometimes words, more often than she would share human language or human-style thoughts. It’s what I love about animal communication, actually. It’s more usual for them to share the straight concepts, than translate it into human words – having said that, I HAVE encountered a rare few pets who have a near-complete grasp of the English language! We underestimate cats and dogs, I think.
So when Sunshine was communicating about this future white kitten, I would see a fluffy white kitten with blue eyes – like he had rolled right out of a Royale commercial. I would simultaneously hear the name “Mikey”, I would see a star-like dot of light, and I would also know with certainty this kitten was male. Then she would connect this kitten with Sweetie, (he is coming for her).
I know that when the timing is right, things happen very easily. This white kitten would have to wait, because at the time of this conversation with Sunshine, we still had four pets: Leo was still with us, we had both dogs, Mocha and Happy, and Sunny herself, of course. We were starting our coffee business and taking on a FIFTH pet seemed insane. So we waited.
YEARS later, it was finally time. While I’d kept an eye open for likely kittens falling into my path, what I really wanted for my Leo boy was a safe place for him to be born, where he would get the best possible treatment from Day 1. All of my pets had been rescued – which meant that although they were loving and wonderful, they all had memories of their lives before they came to us. For most of them, these memories didn’t affect their day to day life, but it impacted them when it came to vet visits, travel, moving, it even affected their dreams. Mocha had PTSD nightmares of being left tied outside the SPCA for years after I adopted her.
I didn’t want my Leo boy to have any traumatic experiences on his second journey to me. I wanted to *at least* know the owners of the mom cat. I wanted to mom cat to feel safe and be healthy, too, because mom cats teach their kittens how to feel about the world.
And, honestly, I wanted it to be easy. Sunshine was the only truly *easy* rescue I ever did. The day we brought her home, she waltzed out of that kennel like she had *arrived*. Mocha took six months to settle, and Happy – well, we did our very best for him and he never truly relaxed, ever, in his whole life.
In 2015, I said goodbye to my Mom, and I just didn’t have the *energy* to rescue. The thing I love about adopting rescued animals is it’s so satisfying and gratifying to watch their transformation. Leo unwound from a desperate-to-snuggle, muscles-atrophied-after-months-in-kennels klutz, to a relaxed, happy, goofy, incredibly affectionate companion. Mocha went from a tied-in-the-yard, didn’t even know how to sit, abandoned dog to the *very best* most impressively obedient in the dog park. I still miss Mocha. I’m not sure I’ll ever be blessed with a dog like her again. We’ll see.
Even Happy was a physical victory if not complete psychological success story. Happy was so emaciated when I got him, when I bathed him he looked like those horses look when the SPCA steps in and confiscates them.
Happy was also anorexic, so it was a challenge to even get him to eat.
With Mocha’s help, I had Happy in glowing, physical perfection within six months. He’s my most extreme physical rehab to date.
But all of them were a *lot* of work.
And after losing my mother in 2015, I just wasn’t up for it. I needed kittens. I needed to be cheered up. I needed the comic relief! (I still do!) And so it was finally, finally time to get serious about getting kittens.
You can read about our journey to Mikey and Rupert’s first mom, Tamsin, here. (Check out the previous entries too.)
It was glorious, and easy. I never had Leo as a kitten, and now that he is a year old, I’m recognizing a lot of his behaviours now that he’s a year old. A lot of his recognizable behaviour is because he is, once again, a big male cat with a body that gives him a laid-back temperament.
So much of an animal’s temperament is the result of the signals their body gives to them. Some animals are *super sensitive*. Happy was hyper-sensitive to all stimuli, and instantly reacted reflexively to sight, sound and touch stimulus. He almost couldn’t help it. Through the years, we were able to modify *much* of his reaction, but the cause never went away.
Leo was a big, Maine Coon cross, and now Mikey is a big Ragdoll. Surprisingly though, Mikey really doesn’t remember being Leo. He doesn’t talk about it. He doesn’t ask about Sunshine or Mocha. He knows me as “Mom” – a human who felt familiar and comforting when I picked him up from Tamsins, and with whom he bonded easily and deeply. He’s just as bonded to Sweetie this time around, and he *still* tries to nurse off her ear once in a while.
But Mikey, solid in his new body and the here-and-now doesn’t remember being Leo. He just acts a *lot* like Leo, and my spirit recognizes him. He *feels* familiar to me, just as I feel familiar to him.
Rupert, on the other hand, knows *exactly* who he is. So much so, his past life memories are so clear, it’s as though there was no separation between the cat he was as Snowball and the cat he is now, as Rupert.
Rupert’s self-awareness continues to amaze me. Once in a while, I fantasize about getting a shih-tzu puppy. (NOT going to happen any time soon, so don’t get excited! I do not have the time or energy for a puppy right now. I would need a *big* chunk of time off my hospital job and my business before I’d introduce a puppy into my life.)
Anyway, this fantasy did lead me so far as to research breeders, and I found one in Calgary who looks very good. (As I learned during the Wild Kitten Chase, just because a breeder has a good reputation doesn’t mean they ARE a “good” breeder… but it does further the fantasy at least!) I brought this breeder up on the laptop in the living room to show Sweetie.
“Hey, look at this breeder, honey. They’ve been breeding for x years, they have them socialized and potty trained before they release them to their homes –“
And I was interrupted by a long, LOUD Rupert howl.
Literally, Rupert shouting “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
Sweetie and I were shocked – we’d NEVER heard him make a sound like that!
I asked him, “Rupert! What’s wrong?”
He started streaming me a mental visual slideshow. When a shihtzu came home, she had puppies. The dogs took over. Feeling of frustration, helpless, being displaced.
It was true that when Sweetie left home, her mother adopted a female shih-tzu, bred her once before spaying her, and kept one of the puppies. I was pretty sure I knew that already.
But then Rupert showed me himself, as a white cat, smacking the dogs who were getting in his space, and his smacks having no effect. Rupert (then Snowball) was forced to retreat when it should have been the DOG forced to back off. Rupert felt upset and displaced.
Sweetie then remembered, “Oh yeah. Mom got him declawed after she got the dogs. She was worried about him scratching the dogs.”
Bear in mind folks, this was 20 years ago. Declawing was not seen as cruel in that time, and it was often offered fairly standardly in vet clinics as a side-along procedure with the spay / neuter.
For Snowball, the dogs followed by the declaw led to his de-throne-ing. He never forgot it.
Rupert remembers it like it happened to HIM, as though his kitten form as Rupert was just a different-coloured coat he decided to put on. He is very much aware of every detail of his past life – to the point he reminds Sweetie of things she’d forgotten ever happened.
Which is really cool for me, from an animal communication standpoint. Nothing like getting really cool, verifiable, confirmations!
Yesterday, Mikey was laying on his side, dragging himself along the floor using his claws on the back of the couch to propel himself along. When he gets to the edge, he spins around and goes back the other way. This is something Leo used to do. Mikey doesn’t remember doing this, he just thinks it’s fun! Like the same idea occurred to him twice. Leo’s death and reincarnation as Mikey has been separated by a sort of spiritual amnesia. I think that’s what the vast majority of us have.
Mikey’s body has nothing to do with his past life – he is in no way related to himself in a past life. But sometimes pets – and people – *will* reincarnate along the same genetic lines, and in those cases, the animal’s new life behaviour can be influenced by spiritual memory and physical cell memory.
Their personalities can be influenced by an infinite variation of past life memories (or not) cellular / genetic memory and instinct, and the unique voice of the physical body they inhabit in this life.
I think the voice of Rupert’s current body must serve only to amplify his personality. He is such a character!
And Mikey is such a cuddly sweetheart.
So that’s the kitten update. I hope you enjoyed it!
EDIT: Sweetie posted this in the comments below, and it deserves to be part of the official post.
Rupert’s so funny. “It is like he’s the same cat in a different coat”. So true. I knew right away that he was the *right* cat, but it took a few weeks before I was convinced that he was the *same* cat. What convinced me was that one day when I was feeding them, I picked up on Rupert’s observations about the “new” feeding routine: He wondered why we didn’t have an electric can opener (we always had one when I was growing up, it was sort of his “dinner bell”). And he wanted the little white packets of moist kibble, the Tender Vittles. And when I mentioned it to you, you were like, “Oh, so that’s why I keep thinking about buying an electric can opener, even though I don’t want one! Rupert’s putting in an order!”
My mom’s also reminded me of what a dominant force Snowball was in the house. Snowball was actually born in the house, so I’d had him since Day 1. Just like Rupert, he made it clear that he was in charge from the moment he showed up. We had a large collie at the time Snowball was born, and when Snowball was a just a few weeks old he approached the dog, climbed up his mane, and clawed him on the nose with his tiny, white paw. The dog gave him plenty of space after that. I thought about that when Rupert began to explore the enclosure outside — and he promptly scaled his way to the top of it, and he attempted to separate the netted roof, and see if he could escape.
He also went fishing in our fairly large family fish tank (I don’t know gallons, it was probably 3″ long and 2″ deep). It had a glass top on it, but was partly open for air circulation. So he’d jump up on top of it and sit there, dip his paw in, and go fishing. One day he flipped a bunch of mollies out of tank like a bear fishing for salmon, and they were just laying on the carpet in front of the tank when we came home.
My mom’s also kept canaries for years. She had a bird cage on top of the fridge (I think she started keeping it there when we got a cat, for obvious reasons), and one day we came home, and there was Snowball — on top of the fridge — curled around the bird cage.
He used to regularly hunt mice as well, so it was a pretty normal thing to come come from school and find 2 or 3 eviscerated mice lined up on the walkway to the house.
To a large extent I think it’s normal cat behaviour, *but*, having had a few cats now I sort of get why you sometimes say that living with Rupert is like engaging in wildlife rescue. Because in spite of his very gentle personality he’s very willful, has a very active prey drive, and he’s super-smart. Sunshine was also very smart and willful, but even though she had regular access to the outdoors I never saw her *hunt* anything (although she would occasionally stalk and capture mice, birds, butterflies, and insects, she’d always let them go). Rupert is a different sort of cat, and Snowball was the *same* kind of different. I see a lot of behavioural confirmation. I sometimes wish we could let him fulfill his prey drive more because he figures out toys and games so quickly, it’s not always easy to keep him challenged.
Oh — right! So, he’s started making his *own* toys now by systematically tipping over the wicker laundry basket, and breaking little sticks off the basket to play with. He bats them around the floor, and when he gets tired of that he pushes the sticks *under* the closet door, to set up the secondary challenge of opening the closet door with his claws to retrieve them. I mean, how do you keep a cat like this engaged?? If I offer him a toy he’ll play with me for like 2 minutes just to humour me, then look at me like, “I know you’re moving that with your hand”. He’ll pin down the pole toys in 2 seconds, and then try to take the pole from me.
Mikey I’ve noticed always lays on his back, like Leo did, which I always thought was hilarious. And he’s taken to *bolting* out the door whenever he gets the chance, but it’s like a game for him: he runs as fast as he can, then stops when he’s out of reach. He wants to make a big stir, then get scooped up and carried back in the house. I saw Leo stir up the house lots of times too — he’d get his bushy tail on, then run around until Mocha would start barking at him to settle down. Or he’d scratch at the door after being outside for a while, then immediaely run under the deck when we opened the door. And he’d repeat the process until we got tired of listening to the scratching, and eventually put out boots on and went outside to collect him.
One other white cat story my mom told me: I was without a white cat between the ages of about 1 and 8 (when Snowball was born). I didn’t know I was waiting for one, but on some level I must have, because when I was a tiny child, like 2 or 3, I would always cry when the tissue commercials with the white kittens came on. *Every* time. I was like this super-sensitive, sentimental, highly emotionally-reactive little person. I wanted the white cats I ordered! And maybe all those fluffy white clouds made me homesick for Heaven. I don’t know — I don’t remember doing that, but my mom sure does.
I’ve been thinking for a couple of weeks, what I could talk about here that is going to actually help my blog friends.
I’m deeply concerned for my friends in the US, and for my own country as I see a similar spike of hate crimes and the increased mobilization of extreme right-wing AND left-wing politics and sentiments.
We cannot stop talking to each other, folks. The second we split into “us” and “them” – right wing extremists, leftist elites, we rage against and vilify each other.
We can’t let those who will benefit from this rift in our humanity trick us into hating each other.
It’s easy to hate when you’re afraid for your future. When you’re afraid of “those people” whoever they are, you stop talking to them. You forget that their humanity is the same as your own.
I know that some of my blog readers and clients are Trump supporters. I’ve had conversations with you. I think that every one of the people I’ve talked to just don’t see the connection between their vote for Trump and being called racist. That is where they’re at. They really, honestly believe they did the best thing for their country with their vote. Most of the people I know who voted for Trump did not vote from a place of hate. Privilege – yes, but not hate.
(The privilege here, by the way, is the ability to overlook all the incendiary and hateful things Trump has said in the past two years on the campaign trail. He has never tried to hide who he is, so a vote cast for him is a vote cast in full knowledge of WHO he is, and that each individual voter doesn’t see any of his hate rhetoric directed at them, personally. That’s white privilege.)
*It is extremely difficult for me, as a woman, and a queer person, to not view a vote for trump as a vote to suppress and eliminate people like me.* And I recognize my own good fortune, having been born white, Canadian, and into a supportive family. There’s a reason my mother cried when I came out to my family. She was afraid for me. She was afraid because the hatred we’re seeing expressed right now was never that far beneath the surface, held in check.
I can only speak from my own perspective, so I’m not going to speak much about racial issues at this point. I feel unqualified. I’ve started and stopped probably a half-dozen podcast episodes and blog posts about race, and everything I’ve learned – but I will always be decades behind my friends who live it. If you guys have personal stories you’d like to share with me, I would love to hear them.
I will take this opportunity to share a few resources, which have helped me learn about racial oppression today:
This podcast about race, with the great Baratunde Thurston and his friends (his autobiography is entertaining as well as informing.) This podcast about race and culture, hosted by two hilarious and talented black women. And this podcast which has a feminist focus, hosted by two best friends, a white lady and a black lady. When they talk race, I learn things.
By the way, each person in each podcast has an incredible resume and is worth checking out, following on social media, buying their books – all the things. But their podcasts are a good way to be introduced to them.
I really try to educate myself about racial issues in Canada and the US, so I can help push the move away from institutionalized racism.
And it’s hard work for me, though I am not asking for sympathy here, because it’s harder to be a visible minority. Hell, just dating a Jewish girl for a few months in my 20s, who was also blind (making her a quadruple minority) showed me just how easy and close to mainstream my own life is! I had no idea until I dated her.
Here on the west coast, no one cares that I’m gay. They think it’s interesting that I work as a psychic. In other parts of North America, I’d be run out of town, or beaten up, or worse. It’s happened to many others.
That’s what happens when you look at someone *like* you, and you see something terrible happen to them. You think, “That could have been me, or my loved one.” That’s why my mother cried. She had good reason to be afraid for me, despite my many advantages in this country.
Dear Trump supporters, now is your time to stand up for your values, indeed. If you’ve been reading this, the blog of a psychic queer woman, I know you’re not one of the people spray-painting swastikas on cars and churches. You’re not idealizing white supremacy. So now is the time to *be vocal* about your opposition to hatred. Don’t brush off the parallel comparisons between Trump and Hitler. We are seeing the warning signs right now. Remember, Hitler was elected by a willing populace too, and he *did* improve the German economy for a time. Don’t kid yourself about the similarities here, you can’t plead ignorance later.
Steven Bannon is freaking terrifying! Just like Trump, he doesn’t attempt to hide who he is. We can’t ever be surprised if he acts on the prejudices he promotes and shares. Maybe when you voted for Trump, you didn’t realize your were voting for Bannon. Speak up and say so!
We cannot know, until our life is finished, the full impact of our actions and choices.
I wrote that many of us come in with non-specific life plans. Wingers and Rafters, who are often tapped to be angels, with boots on the ground. I think that most of us are tapped at different points in our life, to divert from our plan a bit, for a while, to help out in the big picture. These are the little secret moments in life, where a small gesture, or an act of kindness, can completely change the course of a person’s life, without us even realizing it! We don’t get to see most of that stuff until after we die.
But we have to live our lives carrying that responsibility.
We will see the impact of our actions. We’ll see missed opportunities to connect, and chance meetings creating a gorgeous web of new and hopeful outcomes. Small things add up over a lifetime.
This, I believe, is one of the fundamental truths that’s been captured in a lot of different religious expressions – that we have to take care of each other, that we have to look out for one another. When we see injustice, we have a choice to make. When we see someone drowning, we have a choice to make. Even when we see someone’s having a bad day, we have a choice. All those choices add up. Those choices become an expression of who we are. That stays with us. I believe we will experience the full impact of those choices when we die. I’ve heard a lot of stories from people on the other side!
I think what we have to fight the most in the next few years is the desire to shut down or shut out. We can’t afford to let the lines of communication between us fail. We also can’t afford to buy into a passive, “God’s got this,” frame of mind. No sir. No Ma’am. It’s on us. That’s life. That’s personal responsibility.
If you’ve had a liberal call you racist for voting Trump, don’t shut down, or shut us out. If you are a liberal and you have a friend or neighbour who voted for Trump who says the things that make you feel terrified for our future – don’t cut them out. Keep yourself safe, first of all, and then try to keep those lines open.
Have a real conversation, and then another, and then another.
When people go to the doctor, they need to hear information three times before it really sinks in. They need to hear the instructions for their medication three times. They need to hear or read the name of their diagnosis three times, just for it to sink in – and that’s information they’re going out of their way to hear, that’s information they want, that they seek out. Three times.
With advertising, people need to hear things a hundred times, before they start to come around to an idea. What dish soap they use, or which TV show they might watch. That’s a message they’re probably neutral about.
So when you’re talking to someone who is angry with you, or who you are angry with, remember that this conversation is just one in possibly a hundred or a thousand repetitions of that message. Every conversation is a small act that has an outcome we can’t understand completely, while we’re alive. What helps me, is knowing that I may not move someone with *this* conversation, but I have at least ticked off one of the hundred or thousand encounters they need, before they can hear that bit of information. You can’t hang all your energy and hopes on a single conversation. You can’t make your participation in these necessary conversations contingent upon their agreement with you.
Sometimes people *first* need to be heard before they themselves are willing to listen. So teach them how to listen, by demonstrating it. I believe this is true for all sides.
Talking is an act of hope, of optimism, and trust. So is listening, by the way.
Okay, I do want to talk about psychic protection again, especially in the context of having these tough conversations, but this post has gotten very long already, so I’ll save that for next time.
Love each other, protect each other, help each other.
There are a LOT of psychics chiming in on the election right now. On both sides. This makes me hesitant to chime in, because I take my job seriously – but I also take great care to be mindful of exactly *when* a medium’s input is appropriate.
Is it appropriate for a religious leader to say “god hates ___” or “god wants ____” or “god has spoken to me, and he says _____”?
Of course, the fact is, people DO say these things, and many millions of other people listen, base their lives upon the assumption that these statements are correct, and that their correctness transcends any mortal, earthly (temporary) suffering.
We see this mentality play out in smaller, isolated groups – cults. Hundreds or thousands of people accepting the absolute word or rule of a spiritual leader. *Be careful where you put your faith.*
This is why I’ve always asked you to read my blog and listen to my podcast with an open mind and heart, but with your brain engaged too. These are IDEAS. No medium and no spiritual leader anywhere can lay claim to the whole truth according to God. As humans we crave that truth, so I can understand how it’s just so tempting to put your trust and faith in an individual, and trust completely the things they say.
Now, observe, carefully and quietly, what you’re saying to yourself. Are you looking for “it was meant to be”? Why? And if you knew with certainty this was NOT meant to be, how would you behave differently? Why do you NOT want to do that now?
As a medium, I know where my information comes from – how delicate the line of communication, how easily influenced it is. Understand that mediums are humans, and we’re influenced by our own life experience. Humans are imperfect. When a medium accepts the trust of another person you have to treat that gift with the deepest respect and care.
Just because I am good at channeling your loved ones and pets doesn’t mean I’m infallible. NO MEDIUM IS CORRECT 100% OF THE TIME. Not even if they predicted the results of this election correctly. Not even if they pulled incredible confirmation from thin air during a session. You put your trust in a medium, but never forget that we’re just doing the best we can. NO ONE is granted unfiltered, absolute access to the unknowable. Not ministers or priests, not monks, not mediums. We have a lot to offer, yes. But I have *always* been very clear with my clients and you, my dear friends and readers, that you have to keep your brain engaged. Take what makes sense to you, but don’t take it as certainty. Take is as a useful idea, and examine those ideas regularly.
If you’re still reading, please keep all this in mind. And thank you for reading! I’m so glad you’re here.
Now is not the time to look to mediums for answers, now is the time to look to your own community, and make your own plan of action. My greatest fear as a medium is seeing other new age people (mostly white people) settle into complacency with a “God’s got this” mentality.
You know who can’t afford to say that? Minorities. Consider for a moment how abusive it is to say to a minority, and remember I’m one of them, “Oh, this is all meant to be.” If your friends and family experience violence, that’s meant to be.
No it isn’t. We live in a volatile environment and we have to engage in it, vigorously!
I very strongly believe in universal truths. You know, those messages which pop up consistently all over the world, even in isolated populations. We come up with the same answers to the same basic questions:
Where do we go when we die? On. We go on. We do not disappear.
Who is in charge of all of this? Well, we are, to a large extent. To say that god has a plan and this is the rolling out of that plan is to take it a step too far, in my humble opinion. Whatever comforting words that are passing around about “This is all for the best” you’ll notice are the sentiments of people who don’t have a lot to lose in the face of all this.
My dear friends, I’m not going to mince words about this. Speaking not as a psychic, but as a human with a logical brain who has read some history books, who has descended from Germans who survived living in Berlin during Nazi rule, now is not the time for words of comfort. It is not the time to see how things go, and maybe it won’t be that bad.
How bad does it have to get? And if it gets that bad, will you be able to stop it then?
We need to be afraid here. Not a paralyzing, helpless fear – we need that fear to motivate us to do what we have not been doing to prevent a man who has not only a decades-long well-documented history of racism, misogyny, and elitism, but someone who CAMPAIGNED ON that very hate and fear of the “Others”. That’s called Xenophobia. We’ve seen this before. We know where this can go, how this can end.
Trump and Pence have not even attempted to hide who they are. They *campaigned* on it. AND WON.
Human suffering matters. We are obliged, as loving beings, to work to ease that suffering. That’s what a “lightworker” is supposed to do. Now is the time to buckle down and BRING THE FREAKING LIGHT.
It is a FACT that hate crimes have taken a big jump this week. The culmination of Trump’s divisive campaign rhetoric has been this big blank permission slip. “We took our country back.” From who? And what are you going to do with “them” now?
On November 9th, I watched through my white person shock and horror the results of the American election. I say “white person shock” because it was my privilege to be so blind to real hatred in the US. It’s made me take a new look for the hidden hatred around me. And now I have to reconcile myself to the little indications I’ve witnessed of this very hatred in my own communities. People don’t think their relative who made that unsavory comment that one time are THAT bad. But that’s a vote for Trump, or for your country’s version of Trump. We Canadians need to be mindful of our own politicians parroting Trump’s sentiment.
I grieve with you, and with the world. Most of all, I grieve the willful ignorance of the person who saw Trump as the better candidate. I grieve their willingness to look past the very things he said at his own rallies, and throughout his life. Their naïve belief that despite what he *says he intends to do* it will work out for the best. I grieve what that person’s concept of “the best” is.
I grieve their station of privilege too. They could afford to take that risk.
On a specifically personal note, did you know that Mark Pence, Trump’s second in command, is an anti-gay politician? Did you know that he wants to de-fund AIDS/HIV treatment and divert that funding to conversion therapy? Therapy that has been scientifically proven to be ineffective? Speaking just as a queer person, just on this one issue – that’s terrifying.
A decade or so ago, queer folks and their families started to see full page ads for conversion therapy. It *is* a ridiculous idea, and we didn’t really take it seriously. We didn’t understand the threat of those ads. The real purpose of those ads was not to lure actual queer folks into conversation therapy – the real message was never directed at us. It was shot right over our heads, into the laps of those who didn’t understand us. Those ads told the ignorant people that being gay is a choice.
It was diabolical and a brilliant tactic, when you look back on it.
I see that very tactic at play right now. A country’s problems being blamed on immigrants, the “immoral” minorities. This tactic is frighteningly compelling. It works.
You know, after Hitler came to power, life improved for the average German. Germans who weren’t ethnic, religious, or sexual minorities, Germans who weren’t disabled or mentally ill. Germans who weren’t vulnerable. Life improved for the privileged.
At what cost?
When I posted on November 9th, “Oh USA, what have you done?” I got a response. “We took our country back.”
That chills me to the very bone.
Took your country back. From who?
From the others. The immigrants. The gays. The non-whites. (As though all us white folks aren’t immigrants too.) That’s white supremacy in action, and it’s freaking ugly. White supremacy isn’t just about skin colour – it’s about a type of person that has declared themselves to be superior, and has decided to take everything for themselves.
We’ve seen this before. We see this in action all over the world, right now.
No, now is not the time for comforting words from Spirit. But I have to say that Bob Marley has been on my mind a lot lately. Rather than channel him again, I ask that we go back and read his words. https://psychicintraining.com/?s=bob+marley Even now I post this hesitantly. I feel like my role is to be supportive of my minority friends, especially the American ones. Although I’m a minority myself, I walk through this world with great privilege, right now, in this body, in this life. I’m not an oppressed minority, where I live. I’m so lucky, and maybe you’re lucky too. If count yourself lucky, you’re in a position of strength. How are we going to use that strength?
I don’t want to give people an excuse to feel better and become complacent. We need to be uncomfortable and upset right now. That’s a part of life. A part of *why we incarnate in the first place*. We can’t experience anything like this in spirit. We’re not meant to disengage from it, or rise above it on assurances that all will work out as it should.
I can tell you from my experience as a medium – not everything is planned. Accidents happen. Premature deaths happen. Unplanned disease happens. Life is freaking risky, and hazardous. That’s why we have spirit guides! That’s why our guides’ jobs are so hard – and even with our guides, with helpers / angels, we can still die accidentally, our life plans – however detailed or loose they may be – can get derailed.
And if the world is shifting on its spiritual access, if it is meant to be and we’re on a path – well let’s all get to work and push it along this path in the RIGHT DIRECTION, as quickly as possible! Let’s help each other along the way, let’s take care of each other, let’s take advantage of all the incredible wealth that surrounds most of us.
We are in THIS reality. We missed the bus to that parallel reality where Hillary is president. We’re here, this is our reality, we need to own it, and we have to be proactive now, more engaged than ever before.
Have you noticed that nothing is as unifying as a common cause?
We need to bring the freaking ever-loving light!
(See the comments for discussion on how we can bring the freaking light. This is going to roll out for a while.)
The Energy of OCD
I’m back! I have been a bit scarce around the internet this past month, having been away to visit my Dad. It was a really beautiful trip. If you’re going to visit Ontario, go in late September / early October.
I have fallen behind a bit with my cross posting, so first things first: Those who are *not* subscribed to my podcast, you can subscribe if you wish and automatically receive the episodes as soon as they’re released. This is really handy when a podcast isn’t on a consistent release schedule.
The nice thing about having a mobile device like a smart phone is you don’t have to *remember* to download your favourite podcast, it will automatically update. Then the next time you’re in the car, or taking the dog for a walk, or working out, you can check your device for new episodes – and surprise! There’s a new Joyful Telepathy episode out there for you!
Okay, on to today’s topic.
I want to talk about the energetic aspect of OCD (Obsessive – Compulsive Disorder.) I’m not talking about the “oh I like to have my desk in perfect order, I’m so OCD.” I’m talking about “I have to check my stove three times to convince myself I turned it off, and even THEN I may still worry about it all day.”
Real OCD has a huge impact on people’s lives, and it can take a lot of different forms. I didn’t really know much about it until I got together with Sweetie.
By the time we met, Sweetie had gotten her own OCD under control. There was a point in her life where OCD would hold huge chunks of her day hostage. She would tell me about the time it used to take her to get ready – her routine involved cleaning her soap.
“It’s soap, it’s self-cleaning, isn’t it?”
Well, that’s not really what cleaning the soap was about.
She tried to explain, “I felt like the soap was contaminated. And whatever had touched the soap, that had to be cleaned too. It was all about protecting myself from this contamination I sensed on whatever object I was worried about.”
I’ve talked about this idea before – the idea that objects hold some of the energy we, ourselves, were bringing or carrying the last time we came into contact with it.
I’ve also talked about this idea that sensitive people can also be spongy – they can absorb what’s around them and carry it around with them.
Sweetie is extremely spongy.
I’ve observed this about her while she’s worked at different jobs. If a co-worker has a chronic shoulder issue, she’ll start to feel that shoulder problem by the end of the week – or sometimes even by the end of the day. She might feel it once she sits on a chair this coworker was occupying for much of the previous day.
A few years ago while she was working at the hospital, one particular week stands out in my memory. Sweetie started to complain of swelling and pain in her hands. By the end of the week, her knuckles were visibly enlarged, swollen and painful to the touch. It turns out that a particular patient in the hospital, who had been going through a lot of linens (which Sweetie then laundered) had severely swollen, arthritic hands.
That’s when I *really knew* that Sweetie was experiencing a level of energetic sponginess that is new to me.
From what I’ve observed, sponginess seems to be related to a tendency to go inward, retreating from the energy that seems harsh or over-stimulating. Most people who have met Sweetie tend to describe her as shy. She’s not shy at all. She’s just very quiet, observant, and her attention defaults to her inner awareness.
That’s partly why the OCD manifestation tends to come up for her. For Sweetie, what’s going on in her inner, subtle awareness is *louder* to her than someone right in front of her. Someone could be sitting right in front of Sweetie, behind a desk with a sign that says “Customer Service” – but if that customer service person was exuding an energy of “don’t bother me”, Sweetie wouldn’t even register this person’s existence. Not even if she was in need of customer service. By default, she sees the energy first.
It’s part of what makes her an amazing partner. She can tell when people are lying. Me, I always default to giving people the benefit of the doubt, but she will have the number of a sales person or a dirty business owner within a few minutes of speaking to them. This came in very handy when we had our coffee roastery.
Last night, Sweetie was telling me that before she had an understanding of “energy”, she was responding to it with her OCD patterns. The soap held remnants of the energy she had cleansed herself from the day before. Whatever she’d picked up from everyone else around her, her boss, her co-workers, random Torontonians on public transit – that had all gotten into her clothes and on to her body. She would wash it all off, and not want to pick any of it back up again.
Like a surgeon scrubbing up, she’d methodically wash, avoid touching the clothing she’d worn that day, get a clean towel and into a clean set of clothes.
In the difficult days where the OCD was eating large chunks of her day, she could spend hours just to feel OK and safely clean.
This is not the only way in which OCD affected her life. By contrast, she went through a paper hoarding period. If she opened her wallet and an old receipt fluttered to the ground, even if it was blown into traffic, she would have to retrieve that receipt, and keep it. Indefinitely. To her, letting that receipt go, throwing it out, was creating a vulnerability. Someone else could find that receipt, and gain knowledge about her. Of course it’s not intellectually rational, but when you look at this behaviour energetically, it does make some logical sense.
You handled that receipt. It represents a transaction, as well as an interaction in the world. If you’re someone who feels like the energy of the world is infringing on your boundaries, if you spend hours every day just cleaning the world off of you, yeah – that receipt becomes a part of yourself abandoned to the litter of the world. You have to hold on to that.
I kind of get it. Here’s a visual of what I’m thinking.
The dark green circle is your physical body. The light green is the physical body’s energy field – some call it the aura, some call it the energetic body – whatever you want to name it. Some people can physically see this energetic field. Sweetie can see it, although she sees it more easily in the dark.
Some people will also say this aura has many different, very specific layers. Sure, we can go with that. But what I’m really interested in is at what point to you, as a unique person, sense an invasion into this field?
I don’t physically see this field, but I sense it, and sometimes my brain will translate this to an image in my mind. I used to play with this energy when I was little. Here’s a quick little test you can do with a friend to figure out where your energetic field, or aura, is around your body.
Close your eyes. Have your friend move their hand slowly, closer and closer to your skin. Start with the arm, then the leg, then foot, then hand, then head.
You say “stop” when it feels like that person is just about to touch you. Take your time, and just have fun. We don’t play these weird fun little games as adults, do we? I used to do this kind of thing all the time as a kid.
Anyway, see if you can discover a consistent distance off your skin where you tell your friend to stop.
I have found this distance changes, and sometimes it’s different depending on what’s going on in my friend’s body. For example, I remember one time my friend Meghan had a broken wrist. She would say “stop” pretty consistently about six inches off her skin (I remember we were outside in winter, so this would be about three inches away from her snow suit.) But around her wrist, she would say “stop” if I got anywhere near it, even though her wrist was in a cast, under a scarf, under her parka. Even with her eyes closed and a toque pulled over them, she could always tell when I was getting close to this vulnerable injury, even though I never ever actually touched it. Touching was against the rules.
Look, not every kid is into snowball fights. Yes, I was a weird kid! Man, in retrospect, what a weird game to play!
Okay, so the point I want to illustrate is that some people have a consistent ability to sense when someone else is encroaching into their space, without looking. Many people have a boundary. For some people though, it’s their skin. I think those people who would never say “stop” their green circle is solid. And that’s just fine!
Now, scroll back up and look at the orange radius in that picture. That’s the “personal space” hula hoop we were taught about as kids. When we have our eyes open and we’re moving around in the world, that’s where we’re comfortable having people. The thing about this hula hoop though, is there is some social push-back if that radius is too large. Maybe you’re most comfortable if people stay at least six feet away from you. That’s my personal space radius for non-friends. Don’t come within droplet transmission distance.
But that’s socially unacceptable, isn’t it? You can’t expect everyone to stay six feet away from you at all times. So I had to adapt, but I think that may be one of the reasons I don’t find parties or crowded rooms to be invigorating.
The pink entities in there are other people – mainly their energy, depending on how much “space” they take up, energetically.
The more sensitive you are, the more porous your energy field, the more you’re going to be affected by other people.
Here, we’re just talking about physical people around you – we haven’t even touched on the energy other people or events leave in the environment that you can also pick up.
Sweetie has found a lot of grounding and mindfulness techniques to be incredibly healing and helps her manage her brain’s tendency towards OCD, which is a real blessing. OCD can take various forms, and unchecked it can really take over your life.
I have a theory about why and how energy and sensitivity is shown in extreme OCD behaviour. It’s an extension of my physical body theory.
I think that a part of some OCD behaviour is an intuitive response to feeling this vulnerable and energetically sensitive. Before Sweetie really thought about energy lingering and attaching to things, she just perceived the clothing she wore out for a few hours as dirty. She could feel the previous day’s encounters on the clothing, but she didn’t have a framework of energy concepts to understand this feeling of “dirty”.
Likewise with her desire to hoard little slips of paper – it was really about her feeling vulnerable to other people. If someone else found this paper that had *her* energy on it, they could know something about her. It would create a little energy connection there. She wanted to avoid that. So, without thinking about it in energetic terms, she tried to manage this energy input with the physical objects involved. Wash the clothing. Clean the soap. Keep all the papers. It was starting to all pile up on top of her.
This was over ten years ago, maybe closer to twenty years ago now. Sweetie hasn’t had to struggle with obsessive-compulsive behaviour affecting her life, but as a sensitive person, it will always be a potential behaviour. Similar to how depression will always be a potential to me, or how extreme anger is a potential for others. We all have our tendencies, and I wonder, how much of those tendencies could be helped with an energetic understanding, incorporated into our evidence-based therapies?
Yes, let me reiterate: If I struggle with emotions (like grief or depression) I go to counselling. Please understand that energy work is not a *replacement* for evidence-based, useful, medical assistance. So go find a counsellor and if you don’t like that one, find a different one. In my 20s, I once went through three different counsellors before I found one I clicked with. I’ve had to shift through physicians too – sometimes it’s all about getting in front of the *right* person.
But consider the spiritual and energetic part of our ailments too. Spiritual care can be so helpful for our mental health care. You don’t have to choose one over the other (no matter what David Wolfe might post on his facebook page.)
OCD is absolutely a physical brain issue – it’s a groove worn so deeply into our neural pathways that it can be a real hassle to change. It was around the time of her recovery that Sweetie started to study energy shifting techniques, like grounding, clearing, and protecting her energy field. It really helps her to remind herself to check how much she’s feeling actually *belongs* to her.
“Is that my shoulder ache, or have I picked this up from my coworkers?”
Those of us who are empathetic can relate to this idea on an emotional level. Is this my stress, or have I absorbed this from someone else?
We are all connected. This is a universal truth that resonates through thousands of years of spiritual practice all over the earth. What we have not agreed upon yet is *exactly* what defines our separation? Or why do we experience separation differently?
I think how separate we are from others’ influence and energy depends on who we are, how we are calibrated energetically. Some of us, like Sweetie, are spongy. We need to always ground, clear and protect.
Some of us may be islands, and search for this illusive connection others talk about. That’s okay if you don’t pick up other people’s emotions or body ailments. That’s actually a great thing! Very convenient!
I wonder about politicians sometimes, or people high-up in corporations who seem completely detached from the impact of the decisions they make. I wonder, “How can they sleep at night?” I *literally* wonder how they can sleep, because while I was training as a nurse, I could not sleep. The gap between what care a patient SHOULD receive and what I could see they were getting was too great for me. I couldn’t sleep, knowing that.
I wonder whether those people who *can* sleep at night, if they’re just completely, utterly impermeable. Maybe they are, maybe that’s how they occupy their bodies, energetically. They could be the polar opposite of empathetic me, or Spongy Sweetie. Maybe there’s just no energetic feedback for them to experience, because their energetic fields have become diamond-clad, impenetrable. I wonder.
Well, what do you guys think?
I’m back! I have been a bit scarce around the internet this past month, having been away to visit my Dad at the end of September. It was a really beautiful trip. If you’re going to visit Ontario, go in late September / early October. The colours are incredible, and it lifts my heart whenever I go. I had a wonderful visit with my Dad and extended family.
I did not visit my Mom’s gravesite. I just didn’t want to revisit that grief. It felt weird, in a way, to visit and not go to the grave, but here’s the thing:
The grave, to me, is the site of the burial. It’s not where I see my Mom, it’s not where she is now. It’s a memorial to her, and I’m really glad it’s there. I’ve seen photos. There is a hummingbird engraving, and a dharma wheel. It’s lovely, truly. I just… really have no desire to bring flowers to the marker of (most) of her ashes. To me, I would be revisiting the intense sadness of her funeral, and all the terrible emotional upheaval of that time. Going would just have made me sad. So I wrestled a little bit with the idea that I *should want to* go, but ultimately just decided not to go this trip. Grave sites are good at waiting.
Instead, I focused on enjoying the time with my Dad, and my extended family. It’s a really great clan.
So that visit took about two and a half weeks of brain space.
I’ve also had quite a bit of hum-drum, non-psychic stuff to deal with in my day-to-day life. Remember that stabbing bladder pain? Well I’ll be spending a part of my winter investigating that. Fortunately, I really like my urologist, and I’ve known him for a few years through the hospital. He’s one of those doctors who’s always looked me in the eye, smiled, and clearly communicated what he needs for procedures. Arranging that, thinking about it, and following up on getting an ultrasound and a scope (scream!) will be projects that’ll continue to divert my time and attention from the blog this winter.
I’ve also been kept busy with union stuff. I don’t generally talk about the union, because it’s frankly *super* boring. UGH. Oh my GAWD you guys. SO BORING! But it is important work, and I do it for my friends and coworkers at the hospital. We had a meeting in the beginning of October, and, as usual, there’s a lot of follow-up work for me post-meeting, as the secretary-treasurer. So that’s a distraction from the blog too. Sheesh!
Today, my attention is back on the blog! I even started a new entry, but I haven’t finished it yet.
I have fallen behind a bit with my cross posting, so first things first: Those who are *not* subscribed to my podcast, you can subscribe if you wish and automatically receive the episodes as soon as they’re released. This is really handy when a podcast isn’t on a consistent release schedule.
The nice thing about having a mobile device like a smart phone is you don’t have to *remember* to download your favourite podcast, it will automatically update. Then the next time you’re in the car, or taking the dog for a walk, or working out, you can check your device for new episodes – and surprise! There’s a new Joyful Telepathy episode out there for you!
Okay, I will be back soon when I finish a longer post about Energy and OCD. It’s just taking a while for me to completely figure out what I’m trying to say. More to come. Stay tuned.
okay friends, it’s late and I can’t figure out why I am having trouble posting a photo for this episode.
I will just give you the link:
There! It’s ugly but it works!
Yay! I held this episode back for a few weeks because I wasn’t sure how to introduce it. And then I heard Jess talking about her sessions with me on her latest episode of Off in the Weeds. Her cohost John was understandably skeptical, and I really appreciated their conversation.
I put that exerpt of Jess and John in the intriduction of this episode.
What do you think? Let me know!
I’ve seen female bodies transition to male, and male to female almost entirely through the addition of different hormones.
I saw my mother suffer for more than a decade from never-ending menopause.
Remember when I said I thought I had adrenal / cortisol fatigue?
This, after months of working with a nutritionist and losing zero pounds. I may have even gained a pound during that. The puzzling thing was, there was no reason I SHOULD have gained weight, especially not while maintaining a chaperoned diet designed to help me lose weight.
I have not mentioned how, in the last two years, my periods have been getting worse. Investigating that was on my to do list for this fall anyway, but it didn’t seem urgent.
Know how your body tells you something is urgent? It gives you a STABBING PAIN IN THE BLADDER for days. No infection, just RELENTLESS ALARMING PAIN. And since the GP (family doc) advises you to take ibuprofen for the pain and await test results, which he then says are all “within normal range”, it’s your body that drives you to a private clinic.
At least, that’s how it has happened for me.
Today, I am delighted and relieved as I sit atop this ice pack to say that my “normal” blood work is not actually normal to the specialist – a naturopathic doctor who specializes in women’s reproductive health. Apparently, blood results are open to interpretation.
I suspected I had estrogen dominance. I had three different blog friends email me and suggest I look into it, as they were helped with that diagnosis after years of farting around with symptoms similar to what I’ve described here. I did some reading, and yes, that would explain a lot. The ridiculous periods, the inexplicable stubborn weight gain, the embarassing constipation I didn’t know I had. Even my dry itchy eyes could be resulting from estrogen dominance.
What was immensely gratifying was the confirmation of my suspicion: my progesterone should be MUCH higher than it is, in relation to the estrogen. Even though both hormones are within acceptable range, their ratios are abnormal – and that’s not something my GP seems to know about. General Practitioners can’t be expected to keep up with everything, and our GPs are also emergency room docs. Don’t get me wrong, they are great docs – but I wonder if docs who so frequently do emergency work look at me, walking, talking and complaining of pain, and immediately de-prioritize my care as “not urgent”, like they would in the ER.
Female pain tends to get down-graded too. When the GP suggested “dryness” and “discomfort” I felt like my description of “scary stabbing pain” wasn’t really heard. Office chairs are uncomfortable. Pain is pain.
It probably doesn’t help that I have a dark sense of humour, and describing pain while cracking a joke is not something I should do in a doctors office. As long as I am coping, and I can cope with a good deal of pain, I will cope with jokes. When I can’t cope, I cry, and that’s what happens at pain level 8 or 9. Broken bones are an 8, nerve pain for me is a 9. This current pain is a 7. That’s what I should have said. DO NOT MAKE JOKES WHILE DESCRIBING PAIN. Note to self!
GPs and ER docs are not reproductive health specialists.
I knew I needed a specialist who wouldn’t just toss a cookie-cutter prescription at me. And who would spend more than 10 minutes with me. AND who was open to the idea that this all started years ago, with intense, prolonged stress. Stress that changed the colour of my hair from warm, multicoloured chestnut, to flat, monotone, dark brown with 1/4 grey hair.
If that happened to my hair, what happened inside?
Oh and I’m also significantly iron deficient. Probably from all of the ridiculous bleeding. I will have to sit down and have a conversation with this intelligent designer I keep hearing about – I think we need a fertility off-switch. There’s got to be a suggestion box up there.
Did you know that if you take iron supplements you should also take them with vitamin C? It improves absorbency. But avoid calcium with the iron, because that will interfere with iron absorption.
So that nice glass of organic milk I had with my steak last week was not as helpful as I thought.
Next step: getting my lab kit in the mail. Know what you do with that? You spit into vials four different times on the 18th day of your cycle, and then freeze it. Then you mail the frozen saliva back to the lab. Neat, eh?
The reason for spit-testing is this: the hormones flying around the blood stream don’t all make it into the tissues. The estrogen / progesterone ratio could be different when you look at what has actually passed through the tissues and into the saliva.
This next round will also give more detail about which types of estrogen and progesterone are at what levels – blood tests gather the sum total of each type.
At the end of all of this, I will come away with a precise prescription to get my body back on track, and there will be monitoring of the progress / effectiveness of the treatments too.
In describing my pain, the specialist suggested I go to the ER to access a different doctor. She really took my pain seriously. She heard pain and understood I meant PAIN. I had to explain that while our town is beautiful, we don’t have many options with doctors – it’s the clinic docs who staff the ER. I would just be sent to the clinic, or I’d end up seeing the same clinic doc in the ER! Unless the pain was so bad I needed morphine, there was no point in going to the ER.
The ER is like a hammer. I need a tuning. You can’t tune a piano with a hammer.
Anyway, I will continue to see the GP for referrals to get an ultrasound in search of the source of the stabbing pain, and for a referral to a urologist. Stabbing pain is not a hormone issue – unless it’s a cyst or polyp caused by the hormones. It could be that, it could be a few other things. More information is needed.
I really love our public health care system. It’s just a shame that public health care sometimes means slow, incomplete health care. This diagnosis could have taken me months, possibly years through the public system. I had an extremely painful condition in my 20s that progressed for nearly 2 years, with normal test results and multiple clinic and ER docs repeating the same, useless information. Then, I finally got in front of a specialist who knew what she was looking at the moment she saw me.
And the solution was gentle and easy. One pill once a month. It took me over a year before my body’s balance corrected itself and I no longer needed those pills, but they completely turned it around for me.
This is why I love heath care. The right solution can change your life. Do you know how many times I would have died if not for modern medicine?
I always think about the diet factor. But sometimes, diet isn’t enough. Diet could not fix this spiral – the stress, causing adrenal fatigue, causing estrogen dominance, causing anemia, weight gain and a plethora of other symptoms.
Encouraged, I’m going back to my healthy diet with new zeal. No sugar. Low flour. Little dairy. It’s not easy, but I know it’s the best diet for me, based on experience. I feel like it’s worth the effort now, because I think I’ll be back on track soon.
Good health, everyone, or as they say in Germany, gazunteight!