Celebrity Friday: Freddie Mercury!

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Freddie Mercury is extremely easy to talk to.  Like, John Lennon levels of easy.  You mention him, he’s practically there!  A few nights ago I was watching a youtube video that mentioned Freddie and Princess Diana’s friendship, how he and his cronies dressed her up in a “dominatrix” cap (Freddie’s description) with aviator sunglasses and took her out for a night on the town!  Everyone was so focused on Freddie Mercury no one noticed Princess Di in her disguise!

Freddie knew fame, and he really knew boundaries too.  He knew how to reach his fans with love and glory, and he knew (and did his best) to protect his loved ones.  And he adored Diana.  That was the first thing to come through.  I’ll ask Freddie to come in and help me recall that conversation in a moment, but first I’d like to acknowledge that whenever I’m writing about talking to well-known people in the afterlife, I’m not trying to prove anything here.  The confirmations I get are likely easily discoverable through google, and as with my previous conversations, I do my best to keep this respectful and mindful.

K: Hello, Freddie!

F: (Freddie appears in elaborate royal dress, similar to the above photo, but he says:) Tell them it’s with more fur and glitter!  (Lots of fur piles across his shoulders in white and black, full length red robe with gold, and an impossibly high spiked crown.)

 K: Your clothing reminds me of Lady Gaga –

F: AH Yes!  I adore (says her given name Stephani).  She has the heart of an angel and the voice of a Siren!  We met.

K:  You met?  But you died in 1991.

F:  We met!  She and Brian and (shows me two other people) had a séance with a trusted medium and we spoke,  she felt me!  It’s not something she would speak on publically of course.  We made the connection, Bry felt it as well.  Was a blast!  One of the things I always wanted to do after I died, appear in a séance.  I didn’t / couldn’t knock over the table or anything like that, this medium was not dramatic and added no embelishments.  They did sit on the floor, done up with piles of rugs and pillows, but they were all standing, dancing by the end!  It was a special evening.  I’ve spoken / visited Mary (Austin) often too.  Of course I do, I would never leave them alone. 

 K:  What about the fellow you were living with, Jim Hutton? 

F:  I do, he was angry with me for a period and told me to “Just fuck off, Freddie,”  so I did.  He had good reason to be angry with me. 

K:  Did you have a falling out or…?

F:  No, no nothing like that.  We had a non-monogamous relationship, where I would sleep with someone else, and he would either sleep with someone else as well or not, and then he’d forgive me.  After a while the drama drained out of it, and I would behave badly – like a rock star, you know – and I thought he’d gotten used to it, because we didn’t fight about it anymore.  After I died – no, that’s not true.  Before I died, while I was sick and he was taking care of me, he was so fucking loyal, just such a good man, and I said I was sorry I had treated him as I had.  He was too angry with me to feel it until after I died, and he had to process everything that had happened.  There was always the suspicion too, that I had been the one to give him HIV.  There was no way to know, of course, because back then many believed it happened to you *because* you slept with men.  So many of us didn’t believe in god, but got the virus and thought, well, this is god punishing me for being a fag. 

 K:  You just internalized it.  Did you do that, with the disease?

 F:  No, I didn’t, but towards the end I thought that maybe I had ruined Jim’s life.  I didn’t feel like that all the time, just when I felt really ill and depressed.  Jim never let me push him away though. 

 I was always honest with Jim.  He knew I was holding myself back from him, and he was right.  Mary was the only person in my life that I was completely open with, and she accepted me completely.  She knew me.  We had unfailing loyalty to each other.  I talked with Jim early on in our relationship about how special and irreplaceable Mary was in my life.  He understood at the time, he said I could love him my way, and he would love me his way.  That we would figure it out together, and he was not asking me for something I could not give to him. 

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After I died, I think Jim allowed himself to see he had accepted the short end of the stick.  I had wondered if I should have kicked him out – but where would he go?  I didn’t want to reject him, I loved him, dearly.  I was always honest with him. 

K:  Did he ever ask you to promise him to be monogamous?  I can delete this, you don’t need to answer.

F:  Alright, yes, he did ask me to stop messing with other men, on several occasions.  In the moment, I could not bring myself to tell him, “No, I can’t do that.”  I just said, “Alright.”  Those were the most painful conversations.  He had every right to feel angry with me, afterwards.  The anger only lasted a short time.  We lived together, we travelled together, because the good times far outweighed the bad. 

K: I saw in a youtube video that stated you were bisexual, but only romantically interested in women, and only sexually interested in men, which I know is a thing, but it didn’t seem to ring true to me about you.  What do you think?

F:  Of course, the audience wants to believe they know what goes on behind the curtain.  No, I am not simply interested in men for one thing and women for another.  I had wonderful, pleasing, gratifying sex with men and women, and I love and loved both men and women.  I treated my relationships with them differently, and I was more leaning towards men than women, really.  I only needed to journey into my adulthood to discover that.

 My love for Mary and my love for Jim was quite different.  My loyalty to them was complete.  I felt like I owed so much of myself to Mary, there were moments in my young adult life where Mary picked me up off of the floor.  She loved me unconditionally, she simply accepted me.  Mary came first.  I was honest with Jim about that too, Mary would come first. 

 Jim, to his credit, did not resent Mary one bit.  He respected her, respected our relationship. 

 Jim was with me through my whole illness.  It must have been terrifying for him at the time, knowing he had the same thing, and it was just ticking like a tomb bomb inside of him, waiting to do the same, or similar, or possibly worse things to him.  My foot was gangrenous.  It just never healed.  It started with an infected toenail, and the tissue just started to die, and then more around it would die, and it all just went bad.  They wanted to amputate my foot, but I just knew if I went into the hospital I would never get out.  “Let it rot off,” I said, “I’m dying anyway.”  Then we had a show that week.  That was the first time I thought “This show might be my last,” so I poured every ounce of energy into every show from that point on.  It felt different, pushing to get the show out, giving it every last ounce of life inside of me.

 I thought, if I died of a heart attack during a performance, that would be art.  It had never been done before!  Or if I died of a heart attack shortly after a show, that would be alright too.  I wasn’t afraid of pushing my body too far and causing a rupture or a stroke or any of the other things they said might happen if I continued to perform. 

 What was I here for, if not to sing?  Every show became the opportunity to give *the best performance of my life*.  I am proud of Queen, I am so very, deeply proud of our final performances together.  We all knew each one might be my last.

 K:  I understand you were recording a song just a few weeks before you died?

F:  Yes, and I fucked that one up.  They had to finish it without me, but they did a great job.  The pain in my foot was terrible at the time, I was sick from the infections.  (he corrects me as I went to write “fever” but says it wasn’t a fever because his immune system wasn’t working well, and he gives me dizziness, nausea, weakness, and incredible fatigue.)  All in all, I am very happy with my legacy.  Let’s talk about the cats.

 K:  Oh yes!  The other night you mentioned that you had a cat just like Rupert, and then we found a photo!

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He looks just like my cat Rupert in this photo!  Rupert makes that face whenever he is having an opinion about something.

F: Yes, he was a self-possessed pussy.  We had others, too. 

K:  Yes, I found this photo, and the two of them together look like Mikey and Rupert!

F:  Oh, but this orange tabby could be such an asshole.  He would piss on things if he didn’t like his dinner.  He could be a bully with the other cats as well, so we had to manage him.  I think he was one of Jim’s favourites.

 K:  With so many cats in your house, I’m sure there were a few cat pee wars.

F:  Yes (the female) would get upset and pee on the furniture.  I just loved her too much to take it personally.  I just wish she didn’t pick the antiques. 

 K:  I saw mention of you petting Delilah as one of the last things you did in your life.

F:  Yes, that’s from Jim’s book – you should read it, it’s very good.

 (Here it is, called “Mercury and Me”)

 K:  I will, I love a good autobiography.

F:  You will love his.  He doesn’t get into much detail about his own life before we met, because he believed that people weren’t interested in him, they were only interested in the story of our love life.  In truth, Jim rarely allowed anyone to get the full measure of him.  He underplayed his intelligence despite being extremely well-read.  He loved art, music of course, and he was humble, he never attempted to aggrandize himself through his associations.  (Freddie gives love and admiration for Jim.)  He is a jewel of a man.  I did not give him full credit either, I thought he would surely leave me after my HIV diagnosis.  We didn’t know he was positive as well.  I expected him to get off the ride, but he didn’t, and I was so very lucky to have him with me when I died.  He loved me right to the very end.  And he made sure I didn’t die in hospital. 

 K:  Oh right – Michael Jackson!  Sweetie told me something about you pissing off Michael for “doing too much cocaine”?  What happened there?

F:  Oh Michael.  I reached out to him, I loved his music, and we were planning on collaborating.  I did quite a pile of cocaine off of his fancy coffee table in view of (shows me children’s playground equipment through the window. He clarifies it was before Michael build the Neverland ranch, but it was Michael’s home and he had children’s play equipment nearby.)  Michael was an innocent.  He cultivated his child-like view of the world.  It was more than a faux paux to use cocaine in his house, right in the open.  I don’t supposed it would have been different if I had gone to the washroom and done is discreetly, but why would I?  We were both rock stars, he knew who he was inviting to his home! 

 K:  When I first heard that, I thought Michael was upset that you did too much of *his* cocaine?  (I was joking.)

F:  No, Michael didn’t use cocaine.  All of his drugs came from doctors, who were no better than drug dealers anyway.  He would just find a doctor who would prescribe him what he wanted, and BRING IT TO THE HOUSE.  If one wouldn’t do it, another would.  Obtaining his drugs through doctors elevated him above “dirty druggee” status.  I’m sorry to say Michael was far more dependent on his medications than I ever was on cocaine.  Suffice to say that our collaboration never happened.

 (indicates he also met Elton John through Princess Di)

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K:  Oh how did you like Elton?

F:  (shrug) I believe that dear Diana believed we would become friends because we were – to her understanding – both gay men, and both musicians, performers, arguably “over the top” performers too.  Di was a sweetheart, and we both did love her, but Elton and I were at opposite ends of the rainbow.  My band may have been called “Queen” but he was the true Queen.  He was… On rethinking it, I believe our personalities simply clashed.  Elton seemed to love to live like royalty – he had people for everything!  Bring me breakfast, wipe my ass!  He loved the royal treatment.  I preferred my privacy.  I had assistance cleaning the house, cooking on occasion, gardening – but I did not have “staff” the way Elton had staff.  We just could not relate.  I would never have played Las Vegas, for example.   

 K:  (This struck me as wrong, how could Queen with Freddie Mercury singing, have never played Las Vegas?  I tried to google it, but as Queen is still touring and *does* play in Las Vegas, it’s more than a simple search to answer that question.  I asked Freddie to clarify and he just cocked his head to the side, not sure how to interpret that.)

Have you met Michael in the afterlife at all?

F:  Of course!  And I was in the front row to greet Bowie, of course!  The party continues!  And Lennon too!  John Lennon, I never had the opportunity to befriend him in life.      

K:  I found a photo of you two together:

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F:  Yes!  John was a legend there and I was just starting out.  Queen had not fully happened at that point.  I was devastated when John was killed.  I couldn’t believe I had let all of that time pass, and we had never formed a friendship.  We were too busy, touring, and then John became quite reclusive, and lived in New York.  I should have taken the time – but, I thought there would be time.  I never thought either one of us would die, ever!  (laughs)

 K:  You were young and immortal?

F:  And a famous rock star!  That’s as close to immortality as one could get in the seventies!  It was absolutely wild.  With the women on the pill and there was free love everywhere, our generation scared the shit out of the establishment.  Your young generation should do what we did (get out of control).  Did you notice they let the 1980’s economic boom happened to calm all of the rebellious counter-culture youth?  It worked, as well.  After a while, our fans needed babysitters to come to our shows, or some would bring their kids and leave early!  Our audience was changing, but I knew Queen needed to continue as the band THEY remembered.  I wasn’t interested in aging, but it was happening.  Jim and I used to talk about growing old and decrepit together, I always insisted I was not going to do that!  He would say, “Well, speak for yourself, I have every intention of growing old.”  As it turned out, the decrepit happened, just not the old.  (lights a cigarette and smiles, twinkle in his eye.)

 K:  Did you ever want children, or more of a family with Jim or Mary?

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F:  (emphatically) No.  I would have been a shit father.  Proper parents must make parenting the focus of their whole life.  I knew I couldn’t do that.  I loved my cats like children, I was fortunate to have many friends, incredible artists, and I left my mark upon the world.  It was a successful life. 

 K:  Yes it was.  Thank you for talking to me.  Oh Freddie!  I almost forgot – a reader asked me to ask you if you are still with Jim in the afterlife?

F:  Yes.  (Shows Jim behind him, both have huge smiles.  Jim waves, he glows happiness.  There is also a privacy indicator, so I don’t ask follow-up questions.)  

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John: Art and a Good End for the New Year!

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My Wonderful Blog Friends – Here’s to a good end for 2016, and to hope, energy, and unity in 2017!

 

Hi John!

 

Happy new year, darling!  We appreciate that some years deserve the bum!

 

(“deserve the bum” has a few dirty meanings)

 

I know it’s been a rough year for so many.  What would you like to say about it?

 

You must never give up hope.  We’re going through the cycle again – (shows me the current culture is reviving a lot of the sentiment and ideals from mid 1950s, which was a time most people considered modern and progressive.)  Yet it’s so backwards, people see what they want to see.  They don’t see others or themselves for how they are, they see what they idealize.  That’s wonderful, in many ways.  Dreaming is important. 

 

Action is just as important. 

 

Not more important than dreaming?

 

Without dreams, how can you imagine all possible action?  Art is important.  Thought is important.  This is why we thought LSD was such a revolution at the time – it created thoughts and “expanded the mind” in ways that would never have been possible.  We didn’t have the internet, you’ll remember.  (He’s teasing.)  We (back in the 70s) believed in the magic of imagination.  If you could dream it, you could create it – if your thoughts were limited by everything you’d been taught and seen in your lifetime, your dreams would be limited.  It was sad, at times; alarming as well. 

 

We believed – foolishly – that if everyone could just experience the psychological and imaginative power of LSD, it would free the mind, free the imagination, to never-before-dreamed-of possibilities!  It’s was part of the revolution.

 

Of course, it didn’t work like that!

 

Yeah, I can appreciate the line of thinking through.  We still see that.  Imagine, visualize the life you want, the world you want, and you can create it.

 

Well, you’re one step closer to creating it.  (Shows me shoveling dirt from a trench.) 

 

What do you mean?

 

It’s like excavating new channels for the mind.  Creating new shapes for the thoughts to flow!  Canals for the imagination!  (Big grin.)

 

Digging holes in the brain?  Are we talking about LSD again?

 

(laughs, takes a deep drag on a cigarette he suddenly has, and I smell the sharp smoke.  Now John has solidified in my mind, he’s lazing back on a chaise lounge, it’s white, with a battered, worn feeling, but perfectly clean.  It’s in a loft apartment with wide industrial windows nearly to the ceiling.  It’s a large room but feels intimate.  There’s a plush red patterned carpet under the chase longue, and I worried for a moment about the ash burning it as John ashes into a ridiculously massive crystal ash tray on the floor.  The room is somehow opulent and sparse; stark and cozy at the same time.)

 

No, love, we aren’t talking of LSD at the moment.  I thought we were talking of imagination!  Imagining things is hard work – don’t underestimate it.  There is heavy lifting in the excavation of the mind!  Just ask any artist!

 

(Thinking of Sweetie) I know.  What do you think the role of artists is right now?  In the year 2017, in the context of the future’s history?  Can you see that?

 

(Laughs and takes another drag.)  That’s quite a creative question!  (He gives me a rhyme / limerick that I don’t quite get – something like “… all the fun, an artist’s work is never done!”)  Art will always serve the same purpose – art never dies, it never disappears, though it may have to go underground.  You can’t stop it, can’t eliminate it – which is why art is so useful in protesting the established regimen!  (significant look.)  Remember I was alive during Nixon. 

 

Apparently I need to do more research about Nixon.  I don’t know too much about him, I haven’t been that interested.

 

Well let’s put it this way, darling.  It would behoove all of you to become VERY interested in former President Nixon.  He’s playing all the tricks from the same hat.  (President Trump’s leadership will mirror Nixon’s in many ways.)

 

(John stands up on a podium, as though speaking over the heads of a large crowd, points his finger directly up in the air and projects his words:) An educated mind is not easily led!

 

Oh!  And art can be used to educate others, obviously.

 

It’s just communication, another form of speaking to your fellow human.  Art is a way of whispering to people who don’t wish to listen.  Who would rather deny.  If you can’t get them through the ears, get them through the eyes, or the heart!  Most people have a heart.  Most people! 

 

Is art – (before I even finish typing the question he breaks in with a very forceful statement-)

 

YES art is the ESSENTIAL form of resistance.  It’s the IDEAL form of resistance!  What are concerts without songs?  What are marches without signs?  What is a movement without art?  Just a bunch of people, milling about like cattle!  (He laughs kindly.)  The best / most exciting thing about art is that *everyone* can participate.  Must participate.  SHOULD participate!  With love, remember.  With Hope.

 

And Happy New Year, darling Kate.  (He’s giving me a flirty little eye twinkle.)

 

Thank you for popping in John.  Happy New Year to you.  And Happy New Year to all my beautiful blog friends!

 

 

 

 

 

Look what we found!

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When Sweetie was 13, she had her first conversations with John Lennon. She kept journals at the time , but burned them in a fit of “holy shit I must be crazy.”

While she visited her folks last month, she found a few surviving drawings from that time.

I like them.

Celebrity Friday: John’s Parallel Realities

 

John says, At some point, you just make the decision to make money. 

(John’s pointing to a recent conversation Sweetie & I have had about “branding” – how it’s at work in the women’s business world, how business coaches and brand experts are having this massive impact on social media, and the tangible, though not always positive, effect it has on our sense of a person’s authenticity as a professional marketer, real estate agent, psychotherapist etc.)

(John indicates agreement with the branding system, which surprises me.)

John says, do you think I *liked* those queer haircuts?  That was Brian’s idea.  He created our brand.  He was a genius.  (Shows me a quick flash of many other “boy bands” which have followed) We were truly the first.  (Show’s me Buddy Holiday and his band) They weren’t *quite* there.  It was Brian – he understood young girls, he said “If you get the girls to fall in love with you, the boys will try to BE you.”

I never believed that boys would go for such queer haircuts as the (monstrosities?) Brian gave to us – I had tried to (create our brand) with leather clothing – cool jackets, I wanted us to get motorcycles.  I didn’t want to give a damn what grandmothers thought of us.  We weren’t playing for the grandmothers, right?  We were playing for us.  I said that.

And Brian said, “Exactly.  So shut the fuck up and stop wasting your time.”

So what did you do?

I shut the fuck up and let him cut my hair.  We went (on a TV show) looking like that, I was pissed off (mortified.)  Boys feel JUST as bad as girls if they get a wanker hair cut!  (makes spastic arm gestures)

But then Brian booked us a show that (shows me a football stadium.)  It was the biggest show we’d every played.  It was unbelievable.  (Shows himself standing on the stage, looking up at the crowd.)  I realized, it was just a fucking haircut.  THIS is what I wanted. 

John was your hair even that long at first?  I thought you had it pretty short, spikey?

Yes, he flattened it all out.  Search for 1963, find the photo.

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That FUCKING tie.  I had a fag ‘cause I looked like one.  It’s true. 

(We have a brief back and forth about this choice of words.) Ask anyone who was there.  That’s what I said.

(Yeah, I’ll get right on that, John.  That would be a fun conversation with Paul McCartney’s call screener.)

It fucking *worked*.  You could say it was the music, just the songs and the words – it wasn’t.  It was about creating our first album, (shows me a present, gift-wrapped) a package people could buy.  We could sell-out pubs our whole lives and die poor alcoholics.  We couldn’t just make a fucking mix tape (demo tape) and mail it to the radio station.  (HA!  He’s teasing Kurt Cobain with that one.)  Na.  We made the decision, we went *after* it, and it was all Brian.  He’s the genius.  We never would have been anything without him.

This surprises me, because I thought, well, when something’s meant to happen, it does, you know?

NO.  NO.  There is so much more that happens than is meant to happen.  What is “meant” to happen is what you WANTED with your life.  I should have lived longer, that’s what I wanted.  Everyone (knew / felt) that. 

Hey, is there a parallel reality where you’re still incarnated?

(Shows me himself in an old man beard – he looks like Leonardo da Vinci)  I’ve been an old man enough times.  It’s horrible.  No, I doubt I would have chosen to live to the age of arthritis in any parallel reality.

Don’t you know?  Isn’t there a higher perspective you gain, being on the other side and all?

Yes.  But.  The aspect of me speaking to you is engaged in THIS reality.  I have a heavy identity, an heavy investment in THIS reality as THIS version of John.  It gets very confusing for everyone if I were to integrate completely (shows what looks like an upside-down tree, and as you travel “up” the tree, the various timelines / identities join together.  There is a point where the lines completely join into a trunk, but they branch out a bit again at the top, like a root ball, but it’s not nearly as complex as the branches at the bottom.)

If I were to talk to you, and all the thousands of others I talk to, if I were a completely, fully integrated being, how would you know it was me?  If I weren’t peeking into your bedroom making dirty jokes, would you love me as much?  (wink!)

Wow, I thought that there was this big reveal at some point after you die, like you remember all the things about yourself that you don’t remember when you’re incarnated.

You do, so much as you WANT to.  I rather like being John.  I don’t have to be John, I can be a cartoon character if I liked, but being John is *useful* so I *want* to present as this collection of experiences and ideas.  People (other beings) engage with me this way, that’s my purpose, and it feel wonderful to live your purpose.

You don’t stop living, just because you die, you know.  Sometimes death can be an inconvenience, but it doesn’t have to stop you being you. 

But you can integrate and be John + John’s past lives + all John’s parallel realities if you want?

Past and future, yes.  It would also be like blinking out of existence.

So your personality, and I guess everyone’s personality, is defined by our separateness from the parallel realities.  We’re individuals because there’s separation.  I feel like smacking my forehead here.  It’s a crazy-simple explanation to this complex idea of “what is consciousness?” or “who am I?” 

And that really explains how we can be “part of everything” too.  Because once all those parallel realities integrate, we’re complete, whole beings, and we’re also undifferentiated from each other – even in separation.  We literally all become one at that level, because all our “lines” eventually meet up into a giant tree trunk. 

Isn’t it wonderful?  (smile)

Yes, and it’s also kind of obliterating. 

We should start a religion.  Call it Unified Nihilism.  No one could kill each other over it, because there’s nothing to fight for.  (eye twinkle) 

Cue “Imagine”. 

Yeah, I was really depressed when I wrote that song.  I always felt a little sad when I played it. 

Really?  (He gives me the feeling, and describes it as the feeling you get when you watch your child leave home for college.  You love them, you’re proud of them, you know they’ll be alright, but you’re deeply sad to see them go.)

I felt like that when I played it.  I loved that people loved it.  But it always pulled at my heart to play it.

Awww.  Here’s the video.

You children and your technology. 

Oh, and you really need to buy a new bed! 

Thanks John!  Love you.

Imagine Peace

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Grainy photo of Candis, posted with her permission, from last night’s meditation. There’s Sunshine the cat, helping us out.

Jacqueline pointed out to me that today is the anniversary of John’s death.

Maybe that’s why George was so strong about this meditation last night. It came through with this strong urgency. I called out to my meditation buddies, Aaron, Candice and Hernan, literally sending out this psychic broadcast “Meet me at 300” (none of them have cell phones or Internet, but we always manage to find each other.)

There they were, when I set out to find them. All three of them together at the laundromat. It looked like a big coincidence of course, they had no idea why they ended up there at the right time. When I asked, could they come to this meditation tonight, they immediately replied, of course they would.

It was funny, the whole thing had this Meditation Emergency!!!! sense about it.

I basically just read them the entry, and we fell into silence. Oh! And I had made this production of putting this mantra song on repeat – the mantra, Om Sri Rama Jaya Rama Jaya Jaya Rama – it had to be that mantra for some reason. During the meditation, George said that was his first mantra. It was Sweetie’s first mantra too, and it was Ghandi’s first mantra.

It means victory to God, where god is the higher power and also our own higher self. It’s a prayer to reach our highest and purest potential.

During the meditation, the five of us reached out with our hearts, and experienced Heaven “backfilling” the energy, so that we were the conduit, the connection, the wiring by which the love of heaven may reach those in need.

We did this with the intention of founding an energy net that will one day connect every person on earth in love and peace.

Today, Jacqueline reminds me it’s the anniversary of John’s death, and my iPhone played “imagine” all by itself.

I don’t even have any of his music on my phone.

As I listened to the song, I understood a different level of meaning, in the context of all of humanity connected by the love flowing to each other from our hearts, love in unlimited supply, fueled from heaven.

9pm Dec 7 2012, Join us here in spirit

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A few friends are coming over to help us tonight. Here is our meditation area, in my house, on my living room floor. Stacks of blankets, pillows. Scattered are all of the feathers I have, gifts from bird friends, including the blue stellar jay feather, the dove, crow, raven, sandpiper, chicken, turkey, duck, and all my eagle friends. These feathers represent our connection to heaven, and all those who love us and help us there.

In the centre will sit this iPhone, symbolizing our connection to each other and every other human in earth.

Join us in love.

The Bob Marley – John Lennon Connection

So recently, Bob Marley’s been coming to visit me.  Wonderful soul, beautiful man, fabulous voice that ressonates on a lot of levels.

I asked him if he’d be cool with doing a group discussion with a few of the students from the intuitive development class, and he is, so, yay!  I’ll post about that when it happens.

This should be interesting.  As with John & Kurt (prior to our conversations) I basically know nothing about Bob Marley.  I hear one of his songs in my head now, but not the words, just the beat, the instruments, the notes of his voice.  He’s coming through quite strongly.

I was scrolling through the channelling erik archives, and lookee, she’s already done a Bob Marley interview.  Part of me resists reading it before I’ve built a relationship with Bob on my own, but the curious part of me already read the first two parts.  Oops.  🙂

In the very first post, Bob talks about the reincarnation of Jesus.  I shit you not.

In one of the first comments, a woman talks about John Lennon coming to her in a dream, to talk about how he continues to help people write music.

Something’s going on here, people.   There’s a Bob Marley connection.  Let’s find out more, shall we?

You see what you expect.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how John relates to other incarnated people, and how Kurt seemed to change a lot in how he related to me.

I think a lot of it has to do with how we relate to them, first.

I’ll be honest – when Kurt first came in, I thought he was kind of a pain in the ass.  I didn’t really know anything about him, and I expected him to behave a lot like how the pain-in-the-ass 15 year old boys behaved in middle school.  Sweetie has a knack of getting straight to the sweet, innocent inner boy with these types of people – one of her childhood friends is a huge drug addict who generally makes a colossal ass of himself in public, and his hobbies include a lot of life-threatening, thrill-seeking activities.  I can’t relate to this guy at all.

Yet, over the years, he never forgets Sweetie’s birthday.  He always sends her a message or a note, tells her he loves her.  And that’s endeared him to me.  At least, I understand their relationship a bit more.

So at first, I kind of saw Kurt as another one of Sweetie’s lost boys.  I had *no idea* who he really was.  When Sweetie first called Kurt in, I swear I saw him as an angel descending – wearing a white linen tunic thing (always with pants though!) with longish, blond, very clean wavy hair.  I asked “Who’s Kurt Cobain?”

“Oh, he was that guy in Nirvana.  You know, Smells Like Teen Spirit?”

And instantly my image of Kurt changed.  I thought he’d changed his presentation so I’d recognize him – he presented in a faded plain shirt, beat up combat boots, stringy, unwashed, dirty-blond hair.  Sadness, such sadness.  Ah yes, I remember this Kurt Cobain.  I remember when Nirvana was everywhere.

But now I’m rethinking this shift.  Perhaps Kurt just tuned into my expectation of him in that moment, showed me who I thought he was.  He reflected my image of him back at me.  He even comedically humped things around the house, like he was some crazed rocker on E, who couldn’t help but rub up against soft pillows, table legs, John’s head, whatever, in a stoned-out crazy way.  I just relayed his antics to Sweetie, chuckled / rolled my eyes and went about my day.

He called me “bitch” a lot.  In a playful way, but annoying nonetheless.  I finally asked him to stop, it was pissing me off so much (something Kurt can’t resist, really).  He and Sweetie were doing their own private work, so I figured he was there for Sweetie alone, and it made sense to me at the time.

And then one night, he stepped forward as my teacher during meditation.  In this state of meditation, I had set all of my personality, my expectations of myself and others aside.  I saw the angelic Kurt again.  I saw a gentle guy who loved people.  Who wanted to help.  Whose intentions were good and earnest.  And these meditative journeys into my soul’s past are changing my perspective on everything.  This is the most transformative period in my life.  So far.

With Kurt’s birthday present to me, I’ve become a Nirvana fan.  I’ll listen to the four albums we have back to back.  I find it relaxing, which is so odd, considering the intensity of the sound and lyrics. 

The only song Kurt discourages me from listening to is “Rape Me”, from the In Utero album.  Whenever it comes along in the playlist I’ll hear, “Skip this shit.  You don’t need it.”  Sometimes the track will skip on its own.  Thing is, I like that song now.  Yesterday, while driving to work, I got stubborn.  “I WANT to listen to it, damn it!”  In the first verse of the song, the adapter to the speaker fell out of the charger.  The music stopped.  “Don’t make me break your ipod.”    Big sigh.  “FINE.”  And I skipped the track again. 

That was actually a really impressive move, looking back on it.  It’s not easy to move things like that. 

Since we started our meditation together, Kurt has often called me “Babe” or sometimes “Angel” – just as he’s addressed Sweetie.  I started doing Kurt research and found out what a big feminist he was during his last life.  Kurt’s shown me a lot in my own soul’s history around rape-specific violence.   Last night, from the perspective of a man… understanding how this man (me in a past life) got to a point where he could see women only through eyes of possession and hate.  You have to see yourself with hate first.  This sort of violence turns back on the perpetrator, and it ripples ever outward.  Violence has saturated our culture.

This sort of learning is a very intimate experience, and I feel this super-close friendship-type relationship build between us.  He likes to call me “little sister” sometimes, in a way that feels like irony.  Whenever I’ve asked to see if there’s a past life connection between Kurt & I, I always see him as a young boy, and I hear “little brother” – so it’s like the younger brother calling his big sister “little sister” because here he is, taking care of me where once, I looked after him.

I remember a Courtney Love quote, on how needy Kurt could be:  That guy can’t catch a cab by himself! 

John too has talked about how high maintenance he could be in relationships.  When Yoko kicked him out, he said she was right to do so.

When we tapped into John and later with Kurt, both spirits powerfully communicated the emotions they experienced in their life, and deep empathy for those they left behind after death.  The emotion around John’s death was so strongly one of injustice, of a sense of wrong, I thought that perhaps John had died when he wasn’t meant to go.  Now I understand this as John sharing his overwhelming empathetic experience with the emotion created in response to his death.  He expressed terrible, torturous sadness at being separated, no ripped, from his family.

Kurt has also shared with touching intensity, the feelings of a young boy’s abandonment by his family, how he made a choice to strike out on his own (couch surfing, living the friends’ families) rather than submit to the foster system.  Being “in the system” terrified him.  “If my family, people who were supposed to love me, could treat me like that, what would strangers do to me?”  He also said, with heartbroken vulnerability, “Mothers are supposed to look after their kids.”

So why were our first conversations with Kurt & John so fraught with flawed human emotion?  Aren’t they spirits now?  Should they be above this, or over it?  (Huh, heaven is “above” – I wonder if that’s where this expression originated?)  Yet it seemed, in those moments of communication, that the pain was still real and present.

I asked Kurt about this the other day.  He says, “Well when you relate to us as tragic heros, that’s what we become to you.  When I relate to you as Kurt the kid, all that experience is still there for me to draw on, like, you just tap into it with the conversation.  It’s the best way to communicate, sometimes.”

I understood that it’s not like Kurt or John are *still* hurting right now.  They have this as part of their soul’s experience.  We all have past hurts we can tap into.  I was reminded that John & Kurt have also been many other people.  When I talk to Kurt, Kurt is there.  When I talk to John as John, there he is.  Occasionally, he’ll show up as figures from his other lives as well – and when this happens, I sometimes forget that there’s any connection between the two characters at all.

It reminds me of my Sea Urchin Lesson, which I’ve been returning to almost daily:

How fragmented our perspective, how fractal-like our bodies and our soul-journeys can be.  How easily a new consciousness breaks away from a single mind.  How joyous the return to the whole.

When you look at a sea urchin, what do you see?  A soulless plant?  A single animal?  A collection of many, linked Borg-like minds?  A soul collective? 

When you look at John Lennon, who do you see?

John, George & Kurt on Addiction

2015 02 george heroin

I try to keep the blog balanced between heavy stuff and happy stuff.  We’re a bit heavy on heavy stuff this week, please bear with us.

Sweetie & I had an intense conversation with George & Kurt yesterday on heroin addiction.  Once, when Sweetie had been listing off her grievances with regard to our stressful and failing business, George had quipped, “Well, you could just take up heroin.  That way you’d have one large problem instead of an assortment of small ones.”

We watched a few youtube videos about Kurt; you wouldn’t believe the string of heinous comments on some of those posts.  One comment that stuck in my mind was “He was a junkie and he killed himself, big surprise.”  I felt this huge wave of protest coming from Kurt as I read that comment.

It’s pretty well impossible to get through large-scale rock & roll success without getting into some sort of self-abuse.  The only thing that kept John from mainlining heroin was his near-crippling fear of needles.  He shared this with me when visited me at the hospital once (my work) as I tossed a syringe and needle into the sharps bucket.  I felt a physical shudder from him at the sight of the bloody sharp.

George, sadly, didn’t have any such fear to keep him from mainlining, and with heroin you’re pretty much addicted from the first hit.  George checked into rehab and detoxed.  He meditated a LOT.  Fortunately for George, he had built up a lot of spiritual strength before he had to battle addiction.

Kurt had neither advantage.  He, like George, was hooked from the first hit.  He took H in a desperate attempt to find relief from chronic gut pain and anxiety (screaming his lungs out on stage helped a bit, but not enough.)  Unlike George, Kurt had no spiritual education, no faith, and therefore no help.  He repeatedly tried to seek medical help to get off of heroin, but the doctors he went to patronized him, told him he’d be in constant pain during the detox period, told him he’d be battling urges to shoot up for a decade to come.  Well who the hell would sign up for that?  So he’d leave the belittling, dominating asshole doctor behind and return to his addiction, but feel all the more worthless.

As Kurt told us this story, I felt George’s anger.  This is the first time I’ve felt anything but Zen comin’ from George.  George shook his head in sadness and disgust, because Kurt had been denied the correct information intentionally.  Had Kurt found any doctor with a scrap of morals, or called a few rehab centers himself, he would have learned that methadone would prevent him from experiencing the worst of the detox effects.  And since he was a rock star and could afford all the medical world had to offer, Kurt even could have been kept sedated through the worst of the detox if he became too uncomfortable.  He could have gone somewhere secluded, dropped out of the rock scene entirely.  No one told him this.

Instead, I see stacks of money and a flash of a doctor telling Kurt the horrors of heroin detox.  Doctors who wanted this rich rock-star’s business for years to come.  You don’t offer a quick cure to someone who can afford a long one.  Kurt felt trapped, in so many ways.

I guess, every junkie feels trapped.  The word “junkie” doesn’t do justice to the humanity of the person suffering.

Meanwhile, Heaven opens another door…

On Saturday, while Sweetie & I went into town to do some shopping, a police volunteer came in with a flier of a missing girl.  The cashier announced the flier was posted at the register and could all customers please come take a look.

I’ve never tried to use my psychic abilities to find a missing person.  I asked George, “Should I try to help?”  The answer came roaring back “OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP!  Why do you think this flier arrived while you were here?”

Now, it’s one thing to be psychic and read for your friends and family.  It’s a step up to hang a shingle and hire your services out.  It’s another step again to teach.  I’ve taken all of these steps pretty quickly and I’ve been welcomed and supported, thank goodness.  But to out-of-the-blue contact a worried mother about her missing child?  There is a huge amount of responsibility there to do no harm.

Yet I trust my spirit friends.  Everything I’ve experienced told me it would be fine.  I went to far as to take down the mother’s information and I did a meditation to see what I could get…  I got quite a bit.  I wanted to pick up the phone and call, but I just. Couldn’t. do it.
Today I was thinking about it and I said to Kurt, “I don’t know if I’m ready for this missing persons stuff.”  I am the sort of person that when someone asks for help, I want to be able to give it to them.  But this situation had me doubting myself again.   What if I was wrong?  What if I told this poor woman that her daughter was fine, and maybe she turned up dead later?

Yet, I knew this was one door Heaven had opened for me, and I had promised to do the work.  I was so conflicted.

I felt Kurt’s reassurance.  “It’s alright.  Go look at the news.”
So I pulled up the latest newspaper article and lo, the girl had been found.  The brief details given in the article concurred with the information I’d gotten.  If I had called, everything would have been alright.  But, it was just fine that I hadn’t called too, because that was meant to be educational.  To show me I can do it.

“We’ll never ask you to do something you can’t accomplish,” says John with a smile.

Well, that’s comforting.

EDIT:  May 10, 2012

Further to this entry, please also read: https://psychicintraining.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/kurt-cobain-the-suicide-entry-revised/

It talks in more detail about Kurt’s repeated attempts at rehab, which were more numerous than he’d intitially implied.  He used all sorts of medication prescribed by various doctors, some ethically, some inethically, and he obtained many tranquilizers illegally to supplement his treatment.  It was a much longer battle than he talks about here, and from the outside looking in, it really seems like everyone around him did everything they possibly could to help.

After listening to the biography, “Heavier than Heaven,” I felt like the version Kurt gave me of his battle with addiction was dishonest.  Rather than dishonest, really, it was simply incomplete.  It’s the story told from his perspective at the time, when he was incapable of seeing what everyone else was doing for him, or the impact he had on those around him.  You ask any addict to tell their story, they’ll usually blunt the edges.  It’s excrutiating to face the pain you have caused.

I have to give Kurt props for talking to me about addiction at all.  Neither George nor John has gone into detail, and I sense this “do not trespass” on the topic.  But maybe that’ll change in time.  We’ll see.

All Kurt could perceive was his own suffering; even when he acknowledged the impact he had on Courtney and would potentially have on Frannie, he used his guilt as self-flagulation to further amplify his own suffering.

Maybe we’ll have a more detailed conversation to clarify a few more points.

John Lennon Friday: The Next Step

So I have recently gotten my paws upon Lynn Grabhorn’s book “Planet Two.”  I found it in the spirituality section of a hugely magnificent second-hand bookstore, right next to Machaelle Small Wright’s “Behaving as if the God in all things mattered” – which is a book that’s been on my list for a long time.  It’s often referred to in the “first generation” of animal communication books written by Sonya Fitzpatrick and Penelope Smith.

Well right off, Lynn starts to talk a lot about Machaelle, which tickled me that I bought both books together.  Actually, I heard John’s little whisper “Oh, get those two, they’re good.”

There’s a gentle, cosmic good humour in that John Lennon himself is mentioned more than any other person in Planet Two (except Machaelle, perhaps.)  It’s so funny that John guides me to what I’m calling “his books”.  Not only is John mentioned particularly, but the first mention is Lynn talking about the book that John wrote himself via medium Jason Leen “Peace At Last”.

Notice how close in name they are?  Jason Leen and Linda Keen?  Huh.

“Peace at Last” is a book I haven’t read yet, but Lynn uses it as a perfect example of death experience, how John describes his death in that book. 

Later in “Planet Two” Lynn starts talking about things that John has brought up to us directly, and really, Kurt has shown us as well.  Lynn talks about three “earths” existing in the same space (more or less) on different frequencies.  Well that’s another way of explaining what Kurt showed us in the angel training entry:  three beads on a string, now turn the string and see how three beads overlap and look like one.

It actually occurs to me that this “angel training” as I’ve been calling it, could also be another way describing this energetic ascension people are talking about so much in these 2012 days.

John has also talked about the “White Brotherhood”, which he is either in or working with very closely.  We asked about whether there was a sisterhood and he said, “Of course!” and shared a lot of details about that, which, I can’t remember because I was in “medium mode”.  Thank goodness for sweetie, here’s her recollection:

Well, that the White Sisterhood is a parallel to the White Brotherhood (apparently the girls can get boisterous, like at the Women’s Temple 😉 )

Emily and Meret Oppenheim I *think* are in it, and Benazir Bhutto.  There was a woman with a viking helmet (maybe a Norse goddess?) and a fighter pilot who may or may not have been Amelia Earhart.  They’re my council, essentially.  The women’s council.  They’re basically one and the same.

From the daytrippin’ website’s description of John’s “Peace at Last”: 

After explaining the seven different heavenly realms, she explains that since John was such a powerful spokesman for the world, he is being asked to continue his work with humanity. She assures him that the world will listen. He learns that the earth is about to awaken, but that first, humanity must awaken and arise. He will be one of the spirit beings to interact with people on earth to get this message across.

Which is basically the message in Planet Two, and basically the message we’ve been getting from John from my first conversation with him in November 2011.  (And BY THE WAY!  I just noticed the “7 different levels of heavenly realms” again – which would be the third psychic who’s heard from John that there are 7 levels to heaven.)

I’ll tell you some of the strangeness that’s settled into my heart as truth:  I believe I’ve been tapped to help people with the transition that’s happening.  This transition definitely involved raising our vibrations, and a part of this is becoming more psychic.  Everyone.  And in order for people to become more psychic, more comfortable with psychicness, to be healthy and psychic in this world as we all struggle with “ascension” (raising our vibes, evolving, remembering who we are etc.) we need teachers.  Me.  I’m one of them.

Since I started talking to John, George and Kurt, I’ve put my complete trust in them, and they have not and will never lead me wrong.  Aside from these friends, I have my own spirit guides and relatives, who are all milling about in the background, but I don’t seem to converse with them as much as I do John, George & Kurt.  They got me to the concert at the Humanity gallery, thanks to which I made the contacts I needed in order to work in that space.  Last weekend was the second “psychic Saturday” where I give free readings to those who need it.  Every. Single. Person. Who showed up on Saturday.  Is struggling with psychic awakening.  Every. Single. One. 

All of them cried when I told them they’re already psychic.  Already doing it.  There are things they can learn which will make it easier and better. 

Most of them carry with them burdens from past life trauma, and burdens from childhood which put them in conflict with their psychic abilities and experiences right now.

Just in time, I’m launching my first class, “Reconnecting with your Intuition”.  Every time I reach out my hand, asking for help with this mission Heaven is offering to me, every. Single. Time. The person I’ve reached out to has taken my hand in friendship.

Dear, dear Linda Keen has offered her full support and blessing for me to teach the lessons in her books, Intuition Magic and the soon to be published sequel, Intuition Magic: 25 Years Later. (Linda, I hope I’m not spilling the beans on that one.)  If you’re in self-study mode, you can get her books from amazon.com.

I tell you, the first email reply I received from Linda jerked the tears straight out of my eyes, and I had no idea why.  It’s just one of those physiological, gut-wrenching reactions you have when your body is telling you something is true, correct, right. 

The story of how and why I contacted Linda is pretty neat:  I didn’t contact her over the “john thing”.  I figured she must have had hundreds of people contact her since the book was published to say that they’d been talking to john too, and that most of them would be crazy.  I don’t know why I went there, but that’s what was going through my mind at the time.

I contacted Linda because *I* had been contacted by a spirit visitor, an older, classy, dignified lady with a warm heart.  I thought her name was “Madeline” but I have a difficult time hearing these things correctly, so it could have been something close to how that would sound if heard over a muffled microphone, or shouted over a great distance. 

Anyway, Madeline shows up in my living room one night, and I’m very tired, so I ask her to please go away and come back tomorrow if she would like to talk with me.  She showed up again, very politely, and waited until we had finished with talking to John before I could greet her.

Madeline explained that she’d come for help because she used to be able to talk to her grandchildren (picture of grandkids pointing up at grandma and playing with her ethereal presence.)  But now her grandchildren are older and no longer see her.  (Sad feelings shared.)  They need the psychic school I’ve been thinking about.  I should contact “the woman who wrote John’s book”.  So I promised I would, and I sent Linda Keen an email out of the blue.

That was probably one of the stranger emails I’ve sent in my lifetime.  It basically went, “Hi, you don’t know me but a spirit named Madeline said I should contact you about a psychic school.”  It turns out that Linda had developed her own psychic skills by attending a school in Oregon (did I get that right?) in the 60s.  She then moved to the Netherlands where she and her husband established a school for intuitive development that is still running today.

I had NO IDEA Linda had written any books other than Across The Universe / John Lennon in Heaven. 

So yeah, Linda knows how to teach what I’m teaching, and she’s been doing this for years.  She was the perfect person to contact about all of this.  It did come up pretty quickly that my sweetie and I have been talking to John too, and we’re beginning to realize how much all of these strings are getting tied together, and how much is John is doing the actual tying!  I am so grateful for Linda and John’s help in all of this. 

In Linda, I feel like I have the experienced support I need in order to muster the audacity to teach psychic arts at the tender young age of 33.  I mean, come on.  Isn’t this the sort of thing you teach as a dusty, wrinkled, half-mad oracle who has one foot in heaven?   I’ve barely come out as psychic in the community and now I’m teaching?  But I swear, that’s the way Heaven wants it.  It’s pretty darn clear to me, and I feel so taken care of right now.

On June 12th, I’ll be a guest on Karen Hagar’s radio show, “Out of the Fog”.  I’ll be talking about animal communication among other things, and doing animal readings on the air.  We’re all hoping that this show will result in a few more paying clients for me, which will help in a multitude of ways. 

I initially contacted Karen Hagar before I’d received a reply from Linda.  I was casting around for a teacher, and I’d asked Karen if she’d be interested in allowing me to listen in on her classes in exchange for some animal communication?  She got me on the phone and told me she hadn’t been “guided” to teach me because I am beyond her scope of teaching.  (Holy crap.)  She then told me I’d be a great radio guest, based upon our conversation, and she invited me on the show!  She said that doing on-air readings could help with the cash flow shortages we’re experiencing right now.  I feel Karen’s warmth and positive attitude whenever I think of her.

Yesterday, John came to visit me at work.  He said “So love, are you ready to go to the next level of work?” 

“Uh, sure.  Yes.  What’s the next level?”

“Well you will soon be done with the hospital work.  You’ve done what you needed to do here.  A lovely job you did with those two, by the way.  (Two spirits I’d crossed over yesterday.)

“Soon you will be travelling a lot.  Are you ready for that?”

“Yes.  I need Heaven and you guys to take care of my finances though.  I need enough money to pay for our rent, our food.  I’ll need a better car soon, especially if I’m travelling more.  You take care of the money, I’ll do Heaven’s work.  I’m ready.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“You’re positive?”  He smiles, the warmest, loving smile.  At this point I see him clearly in a purple embroidered jacket, like a smoking jacket but snazzier.  It looks like it has long tails.  He has sort of 80s hair, a la David Bowie, dark, shortish, kind of spikey.  He’s wearing his round, rose-coloured glasses. 

“Yes.  Do it.  I’m ready.”

So off we go then.  I’m not sure exactly what it is that I’ve agreed to, but I trust John, I trust Heaven to take care of Sweetie, me and my animal family.